October 2003 Newsletter from
"On This Date in North American Indian History"
by Phil Konstantin
Copyright © Phil Konstantin (1996-2003)

Looking for a good book on North American Indians?
Click on the line below:
Good Books

October 2003 Newsletter -  Phil Konstantin  
  Sep 29, 2003 3:00 PM   
Anything above this line is not part of my newsletter

Start of October 2003 Newsletter by Phil Konstantin


This month certainly has gone by rapidly for me. One of my small band of 
co-workers was on vacation for a large part of the month. We also had 
several days of training classes, lots of meetings, and a few other 
things. Because of all of this, I had to work a couple of different 
shifts during the month. I guess this has contributed to why it seems 
like this month has gone by so quickly. I am still trying to catch up on 
some sleep. 

During those few moments when I wasn't at work, I have been dreaming 
about what I might do with the rest of my life. While 50 is not that old 
(unless you are 18!), it is old enough for me to be able to retire from 
the California Highway Patrol. The CHP is a bit different from most 
other law enforcement agencies. We have a mandatory retirement age of 
60. This means I can work for the CHP for only an additional 9 years and 
3 months. My retirement pay goes up a small amount for each year that I 
stay with the CHP. So, there is a certain advantage to staying where I 

Some people keep a copy of a travel brochure that they look at 
regularly, even if they really do not have any plans on going anywhere. 
That is a bit of what I have been doing lately. One of the things that 
has fueled my musings is the increasing price of homes here in San 
Diego. I bought the most expensive home I could afford in 1997. It was 
valued at $170,000 then. While for most of you, that would be VERY 
expensive, that was well below average here in San Diego. Each year 
since then, the value of homes has gone up about 33%. This means that I 
could sell my home, pay off the remaining mortgage, and still have 
enough money left over (not counting taxes - I still have to look into 
that) to be able to pay cash for a nice house somewhere else, and have 
some money left over. The price of homes within 50 miles +/- of the 
ocean in California is high everywhere. Prices have gone up even more 
in a few other areas of California. 

Coupled with this idea of owning a paid off home, goes the idea of what 
would I do if I retired and moved elsewhere. I could move to Abilene and 
be closer to my son Ron. I'd love to see more of Ron, but Abilene does 
not really appeal to me. My oldest daughter Heidi lives in Michigan. Her 
part of Michigan does not appeal to me, either. Maybe I could move to 
Tahlequah, Oklahoma (Cherokee Nation capital) and then dedicate my free 
time to my tribe. I have never lived in Oklahoma. I do have a few 
distant relatives who live there. Hey, all Cherokees are cousins, right? 
Doing something to help the tribe does appeal to me. Without a mortgage 
payment and the extra profit from selling my house in San Diego, I could 
get by on my retirement in Oklahoma. A paying job would help, but who 
knows what kind of jobs are available for a 50 year old in Tahlequah. I 
could also move back to my home town of Houston. My parents, and my 
brother Milton and his family live there. I miss them. I do not miss the 
humidity or the mosquitos, though. It did occur to me that I might be 
able to get another job at NASA. That also appeals to me. During my 
recent trip through Washington, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, South and North 
Dakota, I checked out many of the places I visited. I picked up a couple 
of the local papers to look at the ads. There were lots of beautiful 
towns and areas. Homes were also quite reasonable most of the places I 
went. The overriding problem I saw there was the weather during the 
winter. I have lived in the southern part of the country all of my life. 
Granted, my body has a fair amount of built-in insulation (fat!), but it 
gets COLD up north in the winter. Health care is another issue, but I 
haven't spent too much time thinking about that, yet. So, I spend a few 
minutes now and then thinking about what I might do and where I might 
go. It is fun to dream.

During the last two months, I have slowly been going through my links 
pages. It takes lots of time to check out the links to make sure they 
are still good. It takes even longer to correct the links. First, I have 
to see if someone has moved their site to a new address. Sometimes a 
person will reorganize their website. This can make all of the links to 
their website invalid. I have added a date for the last time I checked a 
links page at the top of that page. In some cases I have added a large 
question mark next to a site I have yet to check, or that might be 
temporarily disconected. In any case, I am trying to get things updated. 
Please bear with me.


The "Link of the Month" for October is the National Indian Justice 
Center. For their website: "The goals of NIJC are to design and deliver 
legal education, research, and technical assistance programs which seek 
to improve the quality of life for Native communities and administration 
of justice in Indian country. The National Indian Justice Center, Inc., 
(NIJC) is an Indian owned and operated non-profit corporation with 
principal offices in Santa Rosa, California. NIJC was established in 
1983 through the collective efforts of the National American Indian 
Court Judges Association, the American Indian Lawyer Training Program, 
and the Bureau of Indian Affairs in order to establish an independent 
national resource for Native communities and tribal governments." Among 
their efforts listed above, they are also involved in the creation of 
the California Indian Museum and Cultural Center. Thier website has some 
interesting links and online articles. You might find a visit to their 
website educational.

Their website is located at:


The "Treaty of the Month" for October is TREATY WITH THE SAUK AND FOXES, 
Oct 21, 1837 (7 Stat 540). Subject matter covered in the treaty 
includes: Lands ceded to the United States, Consideration therefore, 
Payment of debts due by Indians, Goods, Gristmills, Breaking upground, 
etc., Horses and presents, $200,000 to be invested for Indians, 
Blacksmiths’ and gunsmith’s establishments to be removed, etc., Removal 
of Indians, United States to pay expenses of making treaty.   

You can find a copy of the treaty at: 


This month's movie review is on "The Business of Fancydancing." 

The film was written and directed by Sherman Alexie. Alexie is well 
known as an author. He also wrote the screenplay for the movie "Smoke 
Signals," which was based on his short stories. Alexie took a 
film-making class, and this movie is the result of that effort. It was 
made on a low budget, using no "big name" stars. It is not the kind of 
movie you would see at the local movieplex, unless you live in Indian 

Alexie said "I was often winging it." He also has a social agenda (I do 
not use that phrase in a demeaning way) and he hired an all woman staff 
as a part of that effort. Alexie wrote the screenplay quickly, and the 
movie also includes some improvisation. Alexie said that the final film 
was about 70% different than his screenplay. He had a deadline to meet 
in order to get the movie shown at the Sundance Film Festival.

In one of the opening scene, the main character Seymour Polatkin (a 
full-blooded, mixed tribe Indian played by Evan Adams) reads from his 
book (All My Relations): "In the Great American Indian novel, when it is 
finally written, all the white people wil be Indians and all the Indians 
will be ghosts." Alexie adds two pop-up quotes to the screen which are 
reviews of the book (not a real book, just the book the character is 
supposed to have written). The New York Literary Quarterly Review gives 
it good reviews. The quote attributed to Indianz.com (again, none of 
this is about a real book) is "Full of Shit." This gives you an idea of 
the nature of the rest of the movie.

Parts of the movie are set in Seattle, the rest is in the Spokane Indian 
Reservation in Wellpinit, Washington. One of the background scenes 
during the opening credits shows a man doing a shawl fancy dance. Not 
being a real expert on powwow trends, I did think it was a bit unusual 
to see as man doing a shawl dance. This anomaly was soon explained. The 
website Internet Movie Database ( http://www.imdb.com ) describes the 
plot thusly: "Seymour Polatkin is a successful, gay Indian poet from 
Spokane who confronts his past when he returns to his childhood home on 
the reservation to attend the funeral of a dear friend. Based upon 
Sherman Alexie's book of poetry of the same name." 

The time frame of the movie shifts quite often with liberal use of 
flashbacks. It also involves the reading of several poems (most Alexie's 
poems). I particularly enjoyed the poem about Crazy Horse. Crazy Horse 
tries to donate blood. The nurse tells him that he cannot donate because 
he has already given too much. "You'll have to wait several generations 
to be eligible again."

The movie's subject matter covers life on the reservation (Washington 
state style), conflicts between cultures (white vs Indian, Reservation 
Indian vs Indians off the reservation), conflicts between life styles 
(gay, heterosexual, Indian, white), alcoholism, and drug usage. The main 
character, Seymour, faces quite a bit of criticism from the folks who 
have stayed on the reservation. Seymour has become very famous for his 
writings. The folks who have stayed (or returned) on his reservation are 
often quite unkind in their comments about Seymour. Alexie says many of 
the insults used in the movie were actually made about him in real life.

There is some interesting music in the movie. Alexie said that he almost 
made the movie a musical.

While I found it interesting, this movie will not be enjoyed by everyone 
because of the subject matter, especially that dealing with 
homosexuality. It is another movie that unflinchingly looks at the poor 
quality of life on a reservation. Unlike "Skins," this is very much a 
personal movie. 

I have been told that the movie will sometimes show up on some cable 
channels. You can find this movie in some movie rental stores. Netflix 
(the DVD by-mail rental company I told you about last month at: 
) has it. 
You can buy the DVD (which has good commentaries by Alexie) through 
Amazon.com here: 

You can buy the VHS copy through Amazon.com here:

You can buy the book which contains Alexie's poetry here:

Or you can get any of these through my store page at: 


I am reviewing another book in this month's issue. The book is 
"Encyclopedia of American Indian Contributions to the World" (EAICW) by 
Emory Dean Keoke and Kay Marie Porterfield. This is a very well 
researched, and comprehensive book. It is quite monumental in its scope. 
To give you an example, when I opened the book, I was on page 139. One 
of the listings on this page is Ipecac. Many households know about this 
medication. It is usually used to induce vomiting. Children often 
swallow things they should not. The books goes into some detail about 
where the plant was first found, how it is refined, and how it came to 
be used by Europeans. It then lists some sources for further reading. 

It also has a great Appendix section. It shows which tribes lived where, 
including many good maps (something I wish I had in my book). The 
Chronology section lists when different things were discovered or 
invented by the indigenous people. It also has an appendix which lists 
the book's entries by area, by subject and by which tribal group is 
associated with that item. 

I know how long it took me to do the research associated with my book. I 
can only guess that the authors spent a long time putting together the 
material in this book.

EAICW has a plethora (I love being able to use that word) of listings 
and information. EAICW is 384 pages long and measures (in inches): 1.19 
x 11.20 x 8.44. It would make an excellent addition to any well stocked 

I highly recommend it.

You can purchase a copy here:

Or you can get a copy through my store page at: 


Here are some e-mails I have received in the past month:


From Donna:

My great-great grandmother is buried in our family cemetary but her 
tombstone is recent because nobody knew who she was I suppose. I've 
heard from the only old folks that she was (their pronunciation) 
"hawassi". I never heard of that and don't know where to start looking. 
She and my grandfather lived and died in Wayne County, NC. My ancestors 
all came from Isle of Wight Virginia. I'm thinking he might have found 
her between NC and VA? I remember my grandmother saying the family 
disowned him for marrying her. I am so ashamed and want so much to fix 
her tombstone with proper ID and say I am proud to have found her. Where 
do I start? Thanks for anything you can advise. God's blessings.

If you can help Donna, please contact here at:   


From Tasha:

Can you translate what Miakoda means?

If you can help her, here is her e-mail: TFIN-@swmail.sw.org


From Joseph RedCloud:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Contact: Dan Pfeiffer 202-224-0224 
September 23, 2003 Mark Johnston 605-773-3212 

Daschle, Rounds Announce "Gathering and Healing of Nations"
to Take Place at the Pierre Indian Learning Center on October 6 

Pierre, SD - Senator Tom Daschle and Governor Mike Rounds announced 
today that the "Gathering and Healing of Nations" conference will take 
place at the Pierre Indian Learning Center on October 6. Daschle and 
Rounds will co-host the event. 

Former First Lady Linda Mickelson Graham will participate and provide 
remarks at the opening ceremony. The Year of Reconciliation was an 
initiative of the Mickelson Administration. 

The goals of the event include: 
* To bring together a cross-section of South Dakotans to encourage 
mutual understanding and respect for one another in the spirit of 
* To allow individuals with diverse professional and personal 
backgrounds to interact and to encourage new relationships through 
dialogue, networking and team-building. 
* To initiate focused discussion on major issues facing tribal and 
non-tribal communities, including education and youth; health area; 
agriculture; economic development and infrastructure; and justice and 
law enforcement. 
* To facilitate greater cooperation among federal, state, tribal and 
local governments and all of South Dakota> '> s communities. 

For more information or to register for the event, constituents can 
visit www.gatheringofnations.net or contact: 

Governor Mike Rounds Senator Tom Daschle 
Office of Tribal Government Relations Toll-free: (800) 424-9094 
Toll-free: (800) 872-6190 Rapid City Office: (605) 348-7551 
Pierre Office: (605) 773-3415 Sioux Falls Office: (605) 334-9596 
Aberdeen Office: (605) 225-8823 


Also from Joe:

Isabel vs. Honor 

When Hurricane Isabel was bearing down on Washington, D.C. yesterday, 
Washington did what it often does - panic! The federal government was 
closed yesterday as were the area's schools - even though up until 7:00 
pm last night the day was only rainy with brief gusts of wind. 

But while everyone else was running for cover, there was a different 
character on display at Arlington National Cemetery, just a few miles 
from my office. The cemetery is "home" to 260,000 veterans. It is also 
the site of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, which was built in 1921 to 
honor those who died for our country, but whose remains have never been 
identified. The Tomb is watched 24-hours-a-day by the 3rd U.S. Infantry 
Regiment, known as "The Old Guard." 

Cemetery officials were in a dilemma. The Old Guard has never abandoned 
its post guarding the Tomb. But as Isabel slammed into the area last 
night winds hit 75 miles an hour and the rain was torrential. The 
cemetery officials, no doubt thinking of possible lawsuits, gave the Old 
Guard permission to leave their posts for safety sake. 

You guessed it, my friends - the soldiers refused to leave! Staff 
Sergeant Alfred Lanier said the Tomb was something "we cherish." Sgt. 
Christopher Holmes said leaving the Tomb is "never an option for us" and 
added he was prepared to die while guarding it. As Eisenhower asked 
when he surveyed the bravery on the beaches of Normandy, "Where do we 
get such men?"


From IndigenousN-@topica.com 

American Indian Leaders of Today and Tomorrow Conference,"
(AILOTT) conference, 10.31.03, Long Beach, CA

California State University at Long Beach, American Indian Student
Council, American Indian Studies Department and the CSULB American
Indian Alumni Chapter are pleased to announce the upcoming "American
Indian Leaders of Today and Tomorrow Conference," (AILOTT).

AILOTT is scheduled for Friday, October 31, 2003, from 9am to 3pm on
the campus of CSU Long Beach. American Indian students will have
take advantage of listening to prominent guest speakers from the
American Indian Community; participate in both admission & financial
aid workshops, and community college transfer workshops.

For more information, please contact:
Ms. Anna Nazarian-Peters
Coordinator, Student Life and Development
American Indian Student Services
CSU Long Beach
1250 Bellflower Blvd., USU-205
Long Beach CA 90840-0604

(562) 589-8528
FAX: (562) 985-5683

CSULB- http://www.csulb.edu/

CSULB American Indian Alumni Chapter-


2004 SW/TX PCA/ACA call for papers, deadline 11.01.03

2004 Southwest/Texas Popular Culture/American Culture Association
25th Annual Conference, held in conjunction with the National
Popular Culture/American Culture Association Conference in San
Antonio, Texas April 7-10, 2004

Proposals are now being accepted for the Native/Indigenous Studies
Area. Listed below are some suggestions for possible presentations,
but topics not included here are welcome and encouraged. The
deadline for submitting proposals is November 1, 2003.
* Indigenous Methodologies
* Indians in Higher Education
* Teaching Introduction to Native American Studies
* Biography, autobiography, and nonfiction works by and/or about
Indigenous people
* Popular culture and religion (or, religious popular culture!)
* Native peoples in/and film
* Native representations in popular culture (television, comic
books, video/computer ! games, film, etc...)
* Politics and Native peoples
* Indigenous resistance, regional or global (whaling/fishing rights,
incarceration issues, sports mascots, etc.)
* More ideas encouraged!

Inquiries regarding this area and/or abstracts of 250 words may be
sent to Sara C. Sutler-Cohen at the email or physical address below.
Please include a current curriculum vitae and a working bibliography
for your paper, where applicable. Please forward this email to
people who would be interested in participating. Thanks!

Sara C. Sutler-Cohen
Area Chair, Native Studies
432-A Lagunitas Avenue
Oakland, CA

The 2004 SW/TX PCA/ACA Conference will be held in San Antonio,
Texas, at the San Antonio Marriott Rivercenter Hotel, on the
Riverwalk. Join us this year, as a returning or first-time
participant, as we celebrate a quarter-century of this regional
popular culture conference. Further details regarding the conference
(listing of all areas, hotel, registration, tours, etc.) can be
found at
http://www.swtexaspca.org/ PLEASE NOTE:


Tribal/Federal Summit on the Protection of Sacred Places
Sponsored by the Sacred Places Protection Coalition.
November 14-16.03, Santa Fe, NM

Event to be held at the Hotel Santa Fe.
1501 Paseo de Peralta
Santa Fe, NM 87501
Reservations required in advance.
The following people should consider attending:
1) Tribal leaders, traditional practitioners, and Indian activists
working on sacred lands issues.
2) Federal agency employees who work with or have authority over
sacred lands issues.

Conference fee to be determined soon. Fee waivers to be available.

For more info regarding the Tribal/Federal Summit Mtg., contact Lisa
at the Association on American Indian Affairs at 240-314-7155.
Lisa's email is lw.a-@verizon.net


Columbus Day Protest 10/12
Columbus did not discover "America," since Indigenous people were
already here. What he did do was commit various crimes against us,
such as: theft, genocide, ethnocide, rape, torture, slavery, and
various other inhumane/terrorist acts. There should not be a holiday
honoring such a vile man. Rather, this day should be used to
commemorate the millions of Indigenous people who lost their lives
because of this tragic invasion.

Junipero Serra is on his way to sainthood for establishing the
California mission system, but what he actually created were
concentration/death camps for California's Indigenous population.
The same crimes that were committed by Columbus and his men were
felt throughout the allegedly "holy" missions. The continued
glorification of these missions is simply not justifiable. Do not
celebrate the beginning of history's largest holocaust!

Sunday, October 12, 2003
10AM-1:00PM at the mission
2:00PM-4:00PM at Putiidhem (sacred site)

Mission San Juan Capistrano
The Mission is located 2 1/2 blocks west of Interstate 5 on Ortega

From the Los Angeles area, take either Interstate 5 or Interstate
405 South to the second San Juan exit, which is Ortega Highway. Exit
the freeway and turn right onto Ortega Highway. The Mission is
straight ahead, approximately 2 1/2 blocks. The protest will be
followed by an educational presentation by the Cultural Center of

For more information, please call (714) 505-9975, or e-mail


The Center of Southwest Studies is now recruiting Native American
students and graduates for paid internships, both for undergraduate
and for professional/ career-track positions. The Native American
Honors Internships program will provide select Native students with
quality, mentored internships in their choice of areas: archives,
library, museum, and historic preservation.

The career-track internships (Professional Internships) start as
early as October 1, 2003.   These 9 month, 35 hour/wk. internships
pay $2000./mo. plus benefits.

The student internships (Honors Internships) are awarded for one
trimester at a time, and may begin as early as January 10, 2004.

These internships pay $7.50/hr.

Interns in this federally funded program will be based at the Center
of Southwest Studies, with outreach opportunities at institutions in
the Four Corners Region.

For more information and application instructions, see

The Center of Southwest Studies, a core academic program of Fort
Lewis College, collects and disseminates information about the
The Center functions as a museum, library, and archives and a forum
for public programming, to enhance people's understanding of the
Greater Southwest.


Transform Columbus Day 2003 Events!!!
Friday, October 10th
Four Directions, All Nations March
Note that the Four Directions March this year will be
held the evening prior to the Columbus Day Parade. The
intention of the march is to express the aspirations
of the Transform Columbus Day Alliance. Our message is
that cultural celebrations do not need to be
hateful and divisive. This march brings together
communities of all races, spiritual traditions,
genders, and ethnic groups to celebrate
the beauty and the diversity of the Americas.

Gather at 5:30pm at the following points:

West: Viking Park, Speer and Federal (wear black)
North: Globeville Landing Park, 38th and Atkins Ct.
(wear red)
East: State Capitol, Colfax and Lincoln (wear yellow)
South: Gates-Crescent Park, W.23rd near Children's
Museum (wear white)

March will end at City of Cuernavaca Park, 20th Street
at Platte Sreet, (near skateboard park at 20th Street
and I-25, Denver. Bring candles, flashlights,
blankets, banners, warm drinks and drums

Saturday, October 11th 10:00am
"Take Back Our History" March
Gather at the flagpole- Auraria Campus (Speer Blvd. at
Lawrence Street, Denver- see map) at 9:30am

March to the state capitol to reclaim the history of
the Americas as a history of all peoples.
Become part of a historical re-enactment of the
invasion of the Western Hemisphere, indigenous
resistance, and a vision for a transformed history for
future generations.

Saturday, October 11th, 2:00pm
Columbus Day Parade Protest
Gather at Lincoln Park (Broadway between Colfax and
14th Avenue) at 1:00pm

The Columbus Day Parade is a repressive celebration of
invasion, colonization and the destruction of
indigenous peoples and the environment! We invite all
people of conscience to come together to end the
Columbus legacy and create a more respectful future
for the Americas. We call for a diversity of tactics
to end the celebration of genocide, from silent vigils
to massive, active, non-violent civil resistance to
racism, colonialism, patriarchy, and globalization.

for more information, please go to


Here are some links to some interesting material (mostly news):

Found in Vermont

Indian Country In the New Millennium: A 50-Year Retrospective 

Emergency Strategy Meeting Called of All Sioux Tribes to Protect Sacred 

Inuit talk the talk

‘Historical accounting’ ordered in Cobell trust funds case

The growing power of tribal economic diversification

Indian children left behind

Museums concede dark role in looting of Indian relics


A bit of humor:


From Jay Crosby:

Remember the original "Who's on First" by Abbot & Costello?

ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm 
thinking of buying a computer.


COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?


COSTELLO: For my office?


COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say 
I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I 


COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. 
But what program do I load?


COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a Straight 
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want 
to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of 
your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three 
and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a 
movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.


ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It 
pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part 
of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I 
also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you 
have to help me track my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? 
How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll 
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for 

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do 
you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. 
You know--accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need 

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the 
moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And 
if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?


COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need 
something to restore my data. What do you recommend?


COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll 
go back. What do I need to write a proposal?


COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh,
well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?


More from Jay:

Mental Health Hotline

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 17 times alternating with a 
three second and two second pauses between between each response. You 
must be accurate. If an error is made, you must start over.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you and stay 
with you until the call is completed.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the 
line so we can trace your call. We will be watching your every move to 
ensure your compliance.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the 
mother ship.

If you have an anxiety disorder, press 7, then stay on the line and this 
call will be forwarded to the nearest sex offender registered under 
Megan's law so he may commence stalking of your residence.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell 
you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press...no one will answer because no one cares.

If you are aphasic, describe accurately all the objects in the room you 
are now in in the 30 seconds after the beep. Do not leave any objects 
out or your call will be disconnected and you will have to continue 
trying until you get it correct.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have 
done so previously. 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have 
done so previously.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969 or 696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a 
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden 

If you have post-traumatic disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y 
press 0-0-0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for 
the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have 
done so previously. 

If you are bulemic, you must be continuously consuming ice cream and 
pasta while listening to this message.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have 
done so previously.

If you are psychic, press the winning numbers in tomorrow's lottery and 
then stay on the line. This call will be answered when the correct 
lottery numbers are confirmed.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have 
done so previously.

If you have Parkinson's Disease, hold the 9, 2, * and 4 keys 
simultaneously and steadily for 7 seconds and then release them one 
second apart in that order.

If If you are blonde, please, please don't press any buttons. You'll 
just mess it up.

If this is an emergency, hang up, dial 911, and ask for the address of 
the nearest McDonalds

If you have low self-esteem, you might as well hang up...no one wants to 
talk to you anyway.


Even more fron Jay:

You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell 
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it 
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State 
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus 
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language 
makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and 

You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are 
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty 
Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You live in Colorado when..
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops 
at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was 

You live in Florida when....

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. There are only two seasons, "hot" and "not". The first one lasts 
much longer.

You live in Arizona when ....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the 
steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in 
the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
7. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING 
8. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face 
when you open your oven door.


More from Jay (he stays busy)

Where Professionals Go On Vacation

Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana
College Professors: University City, Missouri
Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin
Firefighters: Smokey Mountains
Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas
Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers: Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists: Plainview, New York
Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Pianists: Florida Keys
Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah
Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado
Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland
Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia
Sailors: Marina, California
Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa
Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
TV Evangelists: Paradise, California


Peter Crowheart/ Kangi :



Name:____________________ Stage name:_______________________

Agent:___________________ Attorney:_________________________

Sex:___Male ___Female ____Formerly male ___Formerly female ___Both

If female, indicate breast implant size:_______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a 
motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ____

Please indicate brand of cell phone:____________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde   [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many time:
a) You expect to shoot other drivers:______
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving:_______

Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week:_______

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) All of the above
If none, please explain:_______________________________

What is the length of you daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on TV 
in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney to discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company 
for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.
e) None of the above. (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earth quake, you should:
a) Stop your car.
b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
c) Immediately use you cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4.

In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

When stopped by the police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) Try to out run them by driving the wrong way on the 405.
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, ensuring 
yourself a hefty lawsuit.

Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bullet proof
virtual window on your left.


From Andre Cramblit:

Subject: Dine Rez (humor)

You know you've been on the Navajo REZ too long when...

1. You start to recognize individual head of livestock and give them 

2. You mourn road-kill dogs like they were close friends.

3. Your idea of a great place to go out to dinner on your first date is 
snack bar at the gas station just downa road.

4. Every day seems like every other day.

5. You don't mind driving to McDonald's for breakfast, even though it's 
60 miles away in the nearest village.

6. You can tell the difference between dogs barking at cattle, dogs 
barking at horses, and dogs barking at things that go bump in the night.

7. Your pick-up truck has a "Fry Bread Power" or "Got Fry Bread?" 
bumper sticker.

8. You think that BBQ sheep entrails make a great bed time snack.

9. You notice that everything for sale in the grocery store is stale 
dated and/or the rebate offers expired four years ago.

10. You come to accept that an appointment on "Monday at 3:00 PM" means 
"Some time this week. Or maybe next week." (See #4, above.)

11. You can discern the type of grazing land by the taste of the 

12. You wait until it goes on sale to buy your monthly supply of Spam.

13. You know which roads are the most dangerous for running over horses 
and cows. (And when you know who Don Yellow is because he runs over more 
livestock than anyone else.)

14. You can find your way around even though there are no street or 
road signs or house numbers.

15. Everybody knows who you are. And what you're doing. And how much 
money you have in your pocket. And who you're dating. And what kind of 
beer is hidden in your closet.

16. You know NOT to go to the store on "payday" (when the social 
security and general assistance checks come out).

17. You stop pointing with your index finger and start pointing with 
your lips.

18. You know (and use) the Navajo "mating call."

19. You come to accept that traffic jams at rush hour are due to herds 
of livestock crossing the highway. You know that livestock have the 
right-of-way. (from Phil: I have experienced this in Navajoland)

20. You avoid having emergencies or injuries because "Emergency 
Responses" by the police and ambulance services take at least two hours 
and could take longer on paydays.

21. You no longer consider it "quaint" or "unusual" when you see 
someone ride up to the trading post on a horse to collect their mail.

22. You know where all the potholes, washouts, quicksand pits, and
washboards are in the roads.

23. You know where "Batman" the 230 pound billy-goat lives and avoid 

24. You think that a Spam and fried potato burrito is a good choice for 

25. You'll drive 38 miles to see the only mailbox on the side of the 
road in an area of 5,600 square miles.

26. You spot a single hogan who has posted a "Neighborhood Watch" sign 
and the nearest neighbor is ten miles away.

27. Your new name is "Sh'ew!" and you find out a lot of people have 
that name. (Roughly the Navajo equivalent of "hey, you.")

28. You go to a sweat lodge and know what that little piece of string is 

29. You take your lunch break at the local flea market.

30. No work gets done because it's another Tribal holiday (not Columbus 

31. Your name appears in the "credit" book at the trading post.

32. You no longer consider yourself a "full blooded Indian" after 
donating at the blood bank.

33. You believe a Pow-wow was originated by the Navajo.

34. You no longer fear going to hell when you die because Kit Carson 
and George Custer are there and they won't let Indians or sympathizers 

35. You hang eagle feathers from your rear-view mirror to ward off the 
evil resulting from a coyote crossing the road in front of you.

36. You say you're "going to town" and everybody knows you're driving 
to Gallup, NM, 95 miles away on a two lane road.

37. You want a Navajo Cadillac; a late model one-ton capacity king- cab 
pick-up truck of any kind with dual rear wheels, a fifth-wheel hitch, 
and three bales of hay in the back.

38. You do your own haircuts.

39. You hear Ben Begay in the a conversation, it is not about rubbing 
cream on your sore muscles.


Here are some random historical events for October:

October 1, 630: Tajoom Uk'ab' K'ak', Maya King of Calukmal dies.

October 2, 1853: As a part of the "Walker War" in southern Utah, several 
Utes seek refuge in the local fort. Instead of protecting the Indians, 
they are killed by the settlers.

October 3, 1764: Leaving Fort Pitt with more than 1,500 soldiers and 
militia, Colonel Henry Bouquet leads his men into Ohio in search of 
hostile Indians.

October 4, 1693: In 1680, Tewa leader Popé spurred an uprising of the 
Pueblos against the Spanish mission in New Mexico. Diego de Vargas leads 
an expedition to reconquer the area. His force consists of 100 soldiers, 
seventy-three settler families, eighteen priests, and some Indian 

October 5, 1724: French peace envoy Etienne Veniard de Bourgmont has 
been charged with making peace among the Indians of modern Kansas, part 
of the French territory of Louisiana. He holds a council. The council 
included representatives of the "Canza, Padouca, Aiaouez (Iowa?) and the 
Othouez (Otto?). The various Chiefs and representative all agree to 
peace and smoke each others peace pipes.

October 6, 1786: A large force of primarily Kentucky militiamen attack a 
peaceful Shawnee village on the Mad River, not far form modern 
Bellefontaine, Ohio. The force is led by Benjamin Logan. One of the 
Colonels is Daniel Boone. Many Indians are killed, including Chief 
Molunthy, and a few prisoners are recovered.
October 7, 1844: A treaty conference is held between Texans, headed by 
Sam Houston, and the Anadarko, Lipan Apache, Caddo, Cherokee, Comanche, 
Delaware, Hainai, Kichai, Shawnee, Tawakoni and the Waco. 
October 8, 1869: Army records indicate that members of the First Cavalry 
fight with a band of Indians in Chiricahua Pass in Arizona. Two soldiers 
are wounded. Twelve Indians are killed.

October 9, 1861: Cherokee Chief John Ross presents a treaty with the 
Confederate States of America to the Cherokee National Assembly for 
their consideration and ratification.
October 10, 1771: Spanish soldiers attack the wife of a Kumeyaay chief. 
The Chief attacks the involved soldiers, and he is killed.
October 11, 1869: A confrontation has developed between Canadian 
surveyors and Louis Riel's Metis cousin, Andre Nault. Andre does not 
want the surveyors on his land. Riel and a dozen other Metis respond to 
help. Riel walks up, steps on the surveyor's chain and says, "You go no 
further." This is the start of a rebellion which rocks Canada. 
October 12, 1758: British soldiers have built a fort in southwestern 
Pennsylvania, southwest of modern Johnston. The fort is named after the 
British Commander in Chief Lord Ligonier. A force of more 1,000 French 
and a few hundred Indians attack the fort The attack is unsuccessful. 
The French and Indians retreat to Fort Duquense. 
October 13, 1528: According to some sources, Cabeza de Vaca and eighty 
other Spaniards come across one of the mouths of the Mississippi River. 
They are unable to enter the river though. They continue their journey 

October 14, 1754: Anthony Henday represents the Hudson Bay Company. His 
is on an expedition to try to set up trade between his company and the 
Blackfeet . He has his first meeting with a Chief of that tribe. The 
Chief tells Henday the Blackfeet have everything they need and there is 
no need to trade with anyone.

October 15, 1748: Lands are allotted to the Tuscarora Indians, by an act 
of the North Carolina General Assembly at Newbern.
October 16, 1869: The Metis create the National Council of the Metis 
(Comité National des Métis). This group is charged with representing the 
Metis in negotiations with the Canadian government. Louis Riel is named 
Secretary of the group.

October 17, 1978: The Triball Controlled Community College Assistance 
Act of October 17, 1978 (106 Stat. 797) is passed by Congress. Its 
purpose is to "provide for grants for the operation and improvement of 
tribally controlled community colleges to ensure continued and expanded 
educational opportunities for Indian students. Encourages partnership 
between institutes of higher learning and secondary schools serving low 
income and disadvantaged students to improve retention and graduation 
rates, improve academic skills, increase opportunities and employment 
prospects of secondary students."
October 18, 1724: French peace envoy Etienne Veniard de Bourgmont has 
been sent from Fort Orleans to establish peace among the Indians of 
modern Kansas (part of then Louisiana). He meets the Padoucas in their 
home territory.

October 19, 612: Maya Queen Muwaan Mat (Lady Beastie) ascends to the 
throne in Palenque, Mexico.

October 20, 1959: The Revised Constitution and By-Laws of the Sisseton 
Wahpeton Sioux Tribe of South Dakota is voted on. It is approved by a 
vote of 251 to 81.

October 21, 1770: Spanish and Opata Indians forces, led by Bernardo de 
Gálvez, cross the Rio del Norte (Rio Grande) into modern Texas near 
modern Ojinaga, Chihuahua. This is a punitive expedition directed toward 
the Apache. A former Apache captive is leading them to the village where 
he was held. 

October 22, 1785: Boats carrying seventy soldiers, under the leadership 
of Captain Walter Finney, land at the juncture of the Great Miami and 
the Ohio Rivers. They build a fort here called Fort Finney.

October 23, 1518: Diego de Velásquez, the governor of Cuba, , appoints 
Hernán Cortés "captain-general" of an expedition to Mexico. 

October 24, 1778: From today until December 3, 1786, Domingo Cabello y 
Robles serves as Governor of Texas. During his term, he arranges a peace 
with the Comanche.

October 25, 1764: Colonel Henry Bouquet has led a force of more than 
1,500 soldiers into Ohio looking for captives of the recent wars and 
hostile Indians. Near modern Coshocton, Ohio, local Indians deliver over 
200 prisoners to Bouquet. Many of the smaller children do not wish to 
leave their "adopted" Indian parents.

October 26, 1853: Captain John Gunnison, and eight others in the Pacific 
Railroad survey along the 38th parallel, are killed during a fight with 
Paiute Indians in the Sevier River valley of Utah. The Paiute hunting 
party of twenty are led by Moshoquop. Moshoquop's father has been killed 
by other whites only days before. The Mormons and the Paiutes have been 
fighting for some time. Some sources put this fight on October 25th. The 
is sometimes considered a part of the "Walker War."

October 27, 1973: The Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Interior has 
authorized an election to approve an amendment to the Constitution and 
By-Laws of the Miccosukee Tribe of Indians of Florida. Amendment III is 
approved by a vote of 44 to 8, Amendment IV is approved 39 to 13, 
Amendment V is approved 42 to 10.

October 28, 1852: Fort Chadbourne is established in west Texas near 
modern Bronte. It was designed to protect the local settlers and the 
Butterfield Stage from the local Comanches.

October 29, 373: Maya leader Bahlum-Kuk performs his accession ritual at 
Palenque, Mexico.
October 30, 1866: Elements of the Twenty-third Infantry fight some 
Indians near Malheur County, Oregon. Two Indians are killed, three are 
wounded and eight are captured, according to army records
October 31, 1799: William Augustus Bowles, the self-proclaimed "Director 
General and Commander-In-Chief of the Muskogee Nation" issues a 
proclamation. He states that the Treaty of San Ildefonso of 1795 is null 
and void because it covers ancestral Indian lands. Spain and the United 
States have no right to trade sovereignty over lands which belong to 


That's it for now, have a great month.

Phil Konstantin
Anything below this line is not part of my newsletter


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