October 2003 Newsletter - Phil Konstantin Sep 29, 2003 3:00 PM . . . . . . . . . ====================================================== Anything above this line is not part of my newsletter . . . . . . ==================================================== Start of October 2003 Newsletter by Phil Konstantin ==================================================== Greetings, This month certainly has gone by rapidly for me. One of my small band of co-workers was on vacation for a large part of the month. We also had several days of training classes, lots of meetings, and a few other things. Because of all of this, I had to work a couple of different shifts during the month. I guess this has contributed to why it seems like this month has gone by so quickly. I am still trying to catch up on some sleep. During those few moments when I wasn't at work, I have been dreaming about what I might do with the rest of my life. While 50 is not that old (unless you are 18!), it is old enough for me to be able to retire from the California Highway Patrol. The CHP is a bit different from most other law enforcement agencies. We have a mandatory retirement age of 60. This means I can work for the CHP for only an additional 9 years and 3 months. My retirement pay goes up a small amount for each year that I stay with the CHP. So, there is a certain advantage to staying where I am. Some people keep a copy of a travel brochure that they look at regularly, even if they really do not have any plans on going anywhere. That is a bit of what I have been doing lately. One of the things that has fueled my musings is the increasing price of homes here in San Diego. I bought the most expensive home I could afford in 1997. It was valued at $170,000 then. While for most of you, that would be VERY expensive, that was well below average here in San Diego. Each year since then, the value of homes has gone up about 33%. This means that I could sell my home, pay off the remaining mortgage, and still have enough money left over (not counting taxes - I still have to look into that) to be able to pay cash for a nice house somewhere else, and have some money left over. The price of homes within 50 miles +/- of the ocean in California is high everywhere. Prices have gone up even more in a few other areas of California. Coupled with this idea of owning a paid off home, goes the idea of what would I do if I retired and moved elsewhere. I could move to Abilene and be closer to my son Ron. I'd love to see more of Ron, but Abilene does not really appeal to me. My oldest daughter Heidi lives in Michigan. Her part of Michigan does not appeal to me, either. Maybe I could move to Tahlequah, Oklahoma (Cherokee Nation capital) and then dedicate my free time to my tribe. I have never lived in Oklahoma. I do have a few distant relatives who live there. Hey, all Cherokees are cousins, right? Doing something to help the tribe does appeal to me. Without a mortgage payment and the extra profit from selling my house in San Diego, I could get by on my retirement in Oklahoma. A paying job would help, but who knows what kind of jobs are available for a 50 year old in Tahlequah. I could also move back to my home town of Houston. My parents, and my brother Milton and his family live there. I miss them. I do not miss the humidity or the mosquitos, though. It did occur to me that I might be able to get another job at NASA. That also appeals to me. During my recent trip through Washington, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, South and North Dakota, I checked out many of the places I visited. I picked up a couple of the local papers to look at the ads. There were lots of beautiful towns and areas. Homes were also quite reasonable most of the places I went. The overriding problem I saw there was the weather during the winter. I have lived in the southern part of the country all of my life. Granted, my body has a fair amount of built-in insulation (fat!), but it gets COLD up north in the winter. Health care is another issue, but I haven't spent too much time thinking about that, yet. So, I spend a few minutes now and then thinking about what I might do and where I might go. It is fun to dream. During the last two months, I have slowly been going through my links pages. It takes lots of time to check out the links to make sure they are still good. It takes even longer to correct the links. First, I have to see if someone has moved their site to a new address. Sometimes a person will reorganize their website. This can make all of the links to their website invalid. I have added a date for the last time I checked a links page at the top of that page. In some cases I have added a large question mark next to a site I have yet to check, or that might be temporarily disconected. In any case, I am trying to get things updated. Please bear with me. =============================================== X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X =============================================== The "Link of the Month" for October is the National Indian Justice Center. For their website: "The goals of NIJC are to design and deliver legal education, research, and technical assistance programs which seek to improve the quality of life for Native communities and administration of justice in Indian country. The National Indian Justice Center, Inc., (NIJC) is an Indian owned and operated non-profit corporation with principal offices in Santa Rosa, California. NIJC was established in 1983 through the collective efforts of the National American Indian Court Judges Association, the American Indian Lawyer Training Program, and the Bureau of Indian Affairs in order to establish an independent national resource for Native communities and tribal governments." Among their efforts listed above, they are also involved in the creation of the California Indian Museum and Cultural Center. Thier website has some interesting links and online articles. You might find a visit to their website educational. Their website is located at: http://nijc.indian.com/ =============================================== X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X =============================================== The "Treaty of the Month" for October is TREATY WITH THE SAUK AND FOXES, Oct 21, 1837 (7 Stat 540). Subject matter covered in the treaty includes: Lands ceded to the United States, Consideration therefore, Payment of debts due by Indians, Goods, Gristmills, Breaking upground, etc., Horses and presents, $200,000 to be invested for Indians, Blacksmiths’ and gunsmith’s establishments to be removed, etc., Removal of Indians, United States to pay expenses of making treaty. You can find a copy of the treaty at: http://digital.library.okstate.edu/kappler/Vol2/treaties/sau0495.htm . =============================================== X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X =============================================== This month's movie review is on "The Business of Fancydancing." The film was written and directed by Sherman Alexie. Alexie is well known as an author. He also wrote the screenplay for the movie "Smoke Signals," which was based on his short stories. Alexie took a film-making class, and this movie is the result of that effort. It was made on a low budget, using no "big name" stars. It is not the kind of movie you would see at the local movieplex, unless you live in Indian Country. Alexie said "I was often winging it." He also has a social agenda (I do not use that phrase in a demeaning way) and he hired an all woman staff as a part of that effort. Alexie wrote the screenplay quickly, and the movie also includes some improvisation. Alexie said that the final film was about 70% different than his screenplay. He had a deadline to meet in order to get the movie shown at the Sundance Film Festival. In one of the opening scene, the main character Seymour Polatkin (a full-blooded, mixed tribe Indian played by Evan Adams) reads from his book (All My Relations): "In the Great American Indian novel, when it is finally written, all the white people wil be Indians and all the Indians will be ghosts." Alexie adds two pop-up quotes to the screen which are reviews of the book (not a real book, just the book the character is supposed to have written). The New York Literary Quarterly Review gives it good reviews. The quote attributed to Indianz.com (again, none of this is about a real book) is "Full of Shit." This gives you an idea of the nature of the rest of the movie. Parts of the movie are set in Seattle, the rest is in the Spokane Indian Reservation in Wellpinit, Washington. One of the background scenes during the opening credits shows a man doing a shawl fancy dance. Not being a real expert on powwow trends, I did think it was a bit unusual to see as man doing a shawl dance. This anomaly was soon explained. The website Internet Movie Database ( http://www.imdb.com ) describes the plot thusly: "Seymour Polatkin is a successful, gay Indian poet from Spokane who confronts his past when he returns to his childhood home on the reservation to attend the funeral of a dear friend. Based upon Sherman Alexie's book of poetry of the same name." The time frame of the movie shifts quite often with liberal use of flashbacks. It also involves the reading of several poems (most Alexie's poems). I particularly enjoyed the poem about Crazy Horse. Crazy Horse tries to donate blood. The nurse tells him that he cannot donate because he has already given too much. "You'll have to wait several generations to be eligible again." The movie's subject matter covers life on the reservation (Washington state style), conflicts between cultures (white vs Indian, Reservation Indian vs Indians off the reservation), conflicts between life styles (gay, heterosexual, Indian, white), alcoholism, and drug usage. The main character, Seymour, faces quite a bit of criticism from the folks who have stayed on the reservation. Seymour has become very famous for his writings. The folks who have stayed (or returned) on his reservation are often quite unkind in their comments about Seymour. Alexie says many of the insults used in the movie were actually made about him in real life. There is some interesting music in the movie. Alexie said that he almost made the movie a musical. While I found it interesting, this movie will not be enjoyed by everyone because of the subject matter, especially that dealing with homosexuality. It is another movie that unflinchingly looks at the poor quality of life on a reservation. Unlike "Skins," this is very much a personal movie. I have been told that the movie will sometimes show up on some cable channels. You can find this movie in some movie rental stores. Netflix (the DVD by-mail rental company I told you about last month at: st.com/bfast/click?bfmid=27276611&siteid=39569651&bfpage=a_120x60_style1 ) has it. You can buy the DVD (which has good commentaries by Alexie) through Amazon.com here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000950WI/onthisdateinn-20?creative=125581&camp=2321&link_code=as1 You can buy the VHS copy through Amazon.com here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000950WJ/onthisdateinn-20?creative=125581&camp=2321&link_code=as1 You can buy the book which contains Alexie's poetry here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0914610007/onthisdateinn-20?creative=125581&camp=2321&link_code=as1 Or you can get any of these through my store page at: http://americanindian.net/store.html =============================================== X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X =============================================== I am reviewing another book in this month's issue. The book is "Encyclopedia of American Indian Contributions to the World" (EAICW) by Emory Dean Keoke and Kay Marie Porterfield. This is a very well researched, and comprehensive book. It is quite monumental in its scope. To give you an example, when I opened the book, I was on page 139. One of the listings on this page is Ipecac. Many households know about this medication. It is usually used to induce vomiting. Children often swallow things they should not. The books goes into some detail about where the plant was first found, how it is refined, and how it came to be used by Europeans. It then lists some sources for further reading. It also has a great Appendix section. It shows which tribes lived where, including many good maps (something I wish I had in my book). The Chronology section lists when different things were discovered or invented by the indigenous people. It also has an appendix which lists the book's entries by area, by subject and by which tribal group is associated with that item. I know how long it took me to do the research associated with my book. I can only guess that the authors spent a long time putting together the material in this book. EAICW has a plethora (I love being able to use that word) of listings and information. EAICW is 384 pages long and measures (in inches): 1.19 x 11.20 x 8.44. It would make an excellent addition to any well stocked library. I highly recommend it. You can purchase a copy here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0816040524/onthisdateinn-20?creative=125581&camp=2321&link_code=as1 Or you can get a copy through my store page at: http://americanindian.net/store.html =============================================== X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X =============================================== Here are some e-mails I have received in the past month: ------------------------ From Donna: My great-great grandmother is buried in our family cemetary but her tombstone is recent because nobody knew who she was I suppose. I've heard from the only old folks that she was (their pronunciation) "hawassi". I never heard of that and don't know where to start looking. She and my grandfather lived and died in Wayne County, NC. My ancestors all came from Isle of Wight Virginia. I'm thinking he might have found her between NC and VA? I remember my grandmother saying the family disowned him for marrying her. I am so ashamed and want so much to fix her tombstone with proper ID and say I am proud to have found her. Where do I start? Thanks for anything you can advise. God's blessings. If you can help Donna, please contact here at: email@example.com ------------------------ From Tasha: Can you translate what Miakoda means? If you can help her, here is her e-mail: TFINfirstname.lastname@example.org ------------------------ From Joseph RedCloud: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Contact: Dan Pfeiffer 202-224-0224 September 23, 2003 Mark Johnston 605-773-3212 Daschle, Rounds Announce "Gathering and Healing of Nations" to Take Place at the Pierre Indian Learning Center on October 6 Pierre, SD - Senator Tom Daschle and Governor Mike Rounds announced today that the "Gathering and Healing of Nations" conference will take place at the Pierre Indian Learning Center on October 6. Daschle and Rounds will co-host the event. Former First Lady Linda Mickelson Graham will participate and provide remarks at the opening ceremony. The Year of Reconciliation was an initiative of the Mickelson Administration. The goals of the event include: * To bring together a cross-section of South Dakotans to encourage mutual understanding and respect for one another in the spirit of reconciliation. * To allow individuals with diverse professional and personal backgrounds to interact and to encourage new relationships through dialogue, networking and team-building. * To initiate focused discussion on major issues facing tribal and non-tribal communities, including education and youth; health area; agriculture; economic development and infrastructure; and justice and law enforcement. * To facilitate greater cooperation among federal, state, tribal and local governments and all of South Dakota> '> s communities. For more information or to register for the event, constituents can visit www.gatheringofnations.net or contact: Governor Mike Rounds Senator Tom Daschle Office of Tribal Government Relations Toll-free: (800) 424-9094 Toll-free: (800) 872-6190 Rapid City Office: (605) 348-7551 Pierre Office: (605) 773-3415 Sioux Falls Office: (605) 334-9596 Aberdeen Office: (605) 225-8823 ------------------------ Also from Joe: Isabel vs. Honor When Hurricane Isabel was bearing down on Washington, D.C. yesterday, Washington did what it often does - panic! The federal government was closed yesterday as were the area's schools - even though up until 7:00 pm last night the day was only rainy with brief gusts of wind. But while everyone else was running for cover, there was a different character on display at Arlington National Cemetery, just a few miles from my office. The cemetery is "home" to 260,000 veterans. It is also the site of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, which was built in 1921 to honor those who died for our country, but whose remains have never been identified. The Tomb is watched 24-hours-a-day by the 3rd U.S. Infantry Regiment, known as "The Old Guard." Cemetery officials were in a dilemma. The Old Guard has never abandoned its post guarding the Tomb. But as Isabel slammed into the area last night winds hit 75 miles an hour and the rain was torrential. The cemetery officials, no doubt thinking of possible lawsuits, gave the Old Guard permission to leave their posts for safety sake. You guessed it, my friends - the soldiers refused to leave! Staff Sergeant Alfred Lanier said the Tomb was something "we cherish." Sgt. Christopher Holmes said leaving the Tomb is "never an option for us" and added he was prepared to die while guarding it. As Eisenhower asked when he surveyed the bravery on the beaches of Normandy, "Where do we get such men?" ------------------------ From IndigenousNemail@example.com American Indian Leaders of Today and Tomorrow Conference," (AILOTT) conference, 10.31.03, Long Beach, CA California State University at Long Beach, American Indian Student Council, American Indian Studies Department and the CSULB American Indian Alumni Chapter are pleased to announce the upcoming "American Indian Leaders of Today and Tomorrow Conference," (AILOTT). AILOTT is scheduled for Friday, October 31, 2003, from 9am to 3pm on the campus of CSU Long Beach. American Indian students will have take advantage of listening to prominent guest speakers from the American Indian Community; participate in both admission & financial aid workshops, and community college transfer workshops. For more information, please contact: Ms. Anna Nazarian-Peters Coordinator, Student Life and Development American Indian Student Services CSU Long Beach 1250 Bellflower Blvd., USU-205 Long Beach CA 90840-0604 firstname.lastname@example.org (562) 589-8528 FAX: (562) 985-5683 CSULB- http://www.csulb.edu/ CSULB American Indian Alumni Chapter- http://www.csulb.edu/aux/alumni/chapters/americanindian/index.html and 2004 SW/TX PCA/ACA call for papers, deadline 11.01.03 2004 Southwest/Texas Popular Culture/American Culture Association 25th Annual Conference, held in conjunction with the National Popular Culture/American Culture Association Conference in San Antonio, Texas April 7-10, 2004 Proposals are now being accepted for the Native/Indigenous Studies Area. Listed below are some suggestions for possible presentations, but topics not included here are welcome and encouraged. The deadline for submitting proposals is November 1, 2003. * Indigenous Methodologies * Indians in Higher Education * Teaching Introduction to Native American Studies * Biography, autobiography, and nonfiction works by and/or about Indigenous people * Popular culture and religion (or, religious popular culture!) * Native peoples in/and film * Native representations in popular culture (television, comic books, video/computer ! games, film, etc...) * Politics and Native peoples * Indigenous resistance, regional or global (whaling/fishing rights, incarceration issues, sports mascots, etc.) * More ideas encouraged! Inquiries regarding this area and/or abstracts of 250 words may be sent to Sara C. Sutler-Cohen at the email or physical address below. Please include a current curriculum vitae and a working bibliography for your paper, where applicable. Please forward this email to people who would be interested in participating. Thanks! Sara C. Sutler-Cohen Area Chair, Native Studies 432-A Lagunitas Avenue Oakland, CA 510-852-5171 email@example.com The 2004 SW/TX PCA/ACA Conference will be held in San Antonio, Texas, at the San Antonio Marriott Rivercenter Hotel, on the Riverwalk. Join us this year, as a returning or first-time participant, as we celebrate a quarter-century of this regional popular culture conference. Further details regarding the conference (listing of all areas, hotel, registration, tours, etc.) can be found at http://www.swtexaspca.org/ PLEASE NOTE: THE DEADLINE FOR CONFERENCE REGISTRATION IS JANUARY 1, 2004. and Tribal/Federal Summit on the Protection of Sacred Places Sponsored by the Sacred Places Protection Coalition. November 14-16.03, Santa Fe, NM Event to be held at the Hotel Santa Fe. Address: 1501 Paseo de Peralta Santa Fe, NM 87501 505-982-1200 Reservations required in advance. The following people should consider attending: 1) Tribal leaders, traditional practitioners, and Indian activists working on sacred lands issues. 2) Federal agency employees who work with or have authority over sacred lands issues. Conference fee to be determined soon. Fee waivers to be available. For more info regarding the Tribal/Federal Summit Mtg., contact Lisa at the Association on American Indian Affairs at 240-314-7155. Lisa's email is firstname.lastname@example.org and Columbus Day Protest 10/12 Columbus did not discover "America," since Indigenous people were already here. What he did do was commit various crimes against us, such as: theft, genocide, ethnocide, rape, torture, slavery, and various other inhumane/terrorist acts. There should not be a holiday honoring such a vile man. Rather, this day should be used to commemorate the millions of Indigenous people who lost their lives because of this tragic invasion. Junipero Serra is on his way to sainthood for establishing the California mission system, but what he actually created were concentration/death camps for California's Indigenous population. The same crimes that were committed by Columbus and his men were felt throughout the allegedly "holy" missions. The continued glorification of these missions is simply not justifiable. Do not celebrate the beginning of history's largest holocaust! When: Sunday, October 12, 2003 10AM-1:00PM at the mission 2:00PM-4:00PM at Putiidhem (sacred site) Where: Mission San Juan Capistrano The Mission is located 2 1/2 blocks west of Interstate 5 on Ortega Highway. From the Los Angeles area, take either Interstate 5 or Interstate 405 South to the second San Juan exit, which is Ortega Highway. Exit the freeway and turn right onto Ortega Highway. The Mission is straight ahead, approximately 2 1/2 blocks. The protest will be followed by an educational presentation by the Cultural Center of Anahuac. For more information, please call (714) 505-9975, or e-mail email@example.com and The Center of Southwest Studies is now recruiting Native American students and graduates for paid internships, both for undergraduate and for professional/ career-track positions. The Native American Honors Internships program will provide select Native students with quality, mentored internships in their choice of areas: archives, library, museum, and historic preservation. The career-track internships (Professional Internships) start as early as October 1, 2003. These 9 month, 35 hour/wk. internships pay $2000./mo. plus benefits. The student internships (Honors Internships) are awarded for one trimester at a time, and may begin as early as January 10, 2004. These internships pay $7.50/hr. Interns in this federally funded program will be based at the Center of Southwest Studies, with outreach opportunities at institutions in the Four Corners Region. For more information and application instructions, see http://swcenter.fortlewis.edu/InternNA.htm The Center of Southwest Studies, a core academic program of Fort Lewis College, collects and disseminates information about the Southwest. The Center functions as a museum, library, and archives and a forum for public programming, to enhance people's understanding of the Greater Southwest. and Transform Columbus Day 2003 Events!!! Friday, October 10th Four Directions, All Nations March Note that the Four Directions March this year will be held the evening prior to the Columbus Day Parade. The intention of the march is to express the aspirations of the Transform Columbus Day Alliance. Our message is that cultural celebrations do not need to be hateful and divisive. This march brings together communities of all races, spiritual traditions, genders, and ethnic groups to celebrate the beauty and the diversity of the Americas. Gather at 5:30pm at the following points: West: Viking Park, Speer and Federal (wear black) North: Globeville Landing Park, 38th and Atkins Ct. (wear red) East: State Capitol, Colfax and Lincoln (wear yellow) South: Gates-Crescent Park, W.23rd near Children's Museum (wear white) March will end at City of Cuernavaca Park, 20th Street at Platte Sreet, (near skateboard park at 20th Street and I-25, Denver. Bring candles, flashlights, blankets, banners, warm drinks and drums Saturday, October 11th 10:00am "Take Back Our History" March Gather at the flagpole- Auraria Campus (Speer Blvd. at Lawrence Street, Denver- see map) at 9:30am March to the state capitol to reclaim the history of the Americas as a history of all peoples. Become part of a historical re-enactment of the invasion of the Western Hemisphere, indigenous resistance, and a vision for a transformed history for future generations. Saturday, October 11th, 2:00pm Columbus Day Parade Protest Gather at Lincoln Park (Broadway between Colfax and 14th Avenue) at 1:00pm The Columbus Day Parade is a repressive celebration of invasion, colonization and the destruction of indigenous peoples and the environment! We invite all people of conscience to come together to end the Columbus legacy and create a more respectful future for the Americas. We call for a diversity of tactics to end the celebration of genocide, from silent vigils to massive, active, non-violent civil resistance to racism, colonialism, patriarchy, and globalization. for more information, please go to www.transformcolumbusday.org ============================================ X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X ============================================ Here are some links to some interesting material (mostly news): Found in Vermont http://channels.netscape.com/ns/news/package.jsp?name=fte/foundinvermont/foundinvermont Indian Country In the New Millennium: A 50-Year Retrospective FRIDAY AND SATURDAY OCTOBER 17-18 http://www.pequotmuseum.org/MiscellaneousPages/HistoryConference/8EB2CC40-FC06-43E2-B148-6158816AB2C9.htm Emergency Strategy Meeting Called of All Sioux Tribes to Protect Sacred Sites http://www.defendblackhills.org/defenders/strategy_meeting.htm Inuit talk the talk http://www.globeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20030924.wlang0924/BNStory/National/ ‘Historical accounting’ ordered in Cobell trust funds case http://www.indiancountry.com/?1064590739 The growing power of tribal economic diversification http://indiancountry.com/?1063122643 Indian children left behind http://www.indiancountry.com/?1064337410 Museums concede dark role in looting of Indian relics http://www.denverpost.com/Stories/0,1413,36~11676~1605219,00.html ============================================ X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X ============================================ A bit of humor: ------- From Jay Crosby: Remember the original "Who's on First" by Abbot & Costello? ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows? COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommended something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office. ABBOTT: Office for Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?" ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W. COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a Straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great! With what? ABBOTT: RealOne. COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue 1. COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue 1. COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W? ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!" ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is the real one? ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get? ABBOTT: Just one copy. COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal? ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money. COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money? ABBOTT: Why not? They own it. COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money? ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago. COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: You sell money? ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free. COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting? ABBOTT: Simply Accounting. COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated. ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for? ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business. COSTELLO: I beg your pardon? ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B. COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money. ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more. COSTELLO: More money? ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything. COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend? ABBOTT: GoBack. COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself? ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack. COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal. ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind. ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you? ----------------------------- More from Jay: Mental Health Hotline If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 17 times alternating with a three second and two second pauses between between each response. You must be accurate. If an error is made, you must start over. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you and stay with you until the call is completed. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. We will be watching your every move to ensure your compliance. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you have an anxiety disorder, press 7, then stay on the line and this call will be forwarded to the nearest sex offender registered under Megan's law so he may commence stalking of your residence. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press...no one will answer because no one cares. If you are aphasic, describe accurately all the objects in the room you are now in in the 30 seconds after the beep. Do not leave any objects out or your call will be disconnected and you will have to continue trying until you get it correct. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have done so previously. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have done so previously. If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969 or 696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have done so previously. If you are bulemic, you must be continuously consuming ice cream and pasta while listening to this message. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have done so previously. If you are psychic, press the winning numbers in tomorrow's lottery and then stay on the line. This call will be answered when the correct lottery numbers are confirmed. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. Do not press 9 if you have done so previously. If you have Parkinson's Disease, hold the 9, 2, * and 4 keys simultaneously and steadily for 7 seconds and then release them one second apart in that order. If If you are blonde, please, please don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up. If this is an emergency, hang up, dial 911, and ask for the address of the nearest McDonalds If you have low self-esteem, you might as well hang up...no one wants to talk to you anyway. ----------------------------- Even more fron Jay: You Live in California when... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You Live in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4. You think Central Park is "nature." 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You Live in Maine when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You Live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?" 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. You live in Colorado when.. 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" You live in Florida when.... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people. 6. There are only two seasons, "hot" and "not". The first one lasts much longer. You live in Arizona when .... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel. 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. 6. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 7. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! 8. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. ----------------------------- More from Jay (he stays busy) Where Professionals Go On Vacation Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana College Professors: University City, Missouri Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin Firefighters: Smokey Mountains Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan Lawyers: Accident, Maryland Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York Optometrists: Plainview, New York Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina Pianists: Florida Keys Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia Sailors: Marina, California Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey TV Evangelists: Paradise, California ----------------------------- Peter Crowheart/ Kangi : --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION ******************************************************************************************** Name:____________________ Stage name:_______________________ Agent:___________________ Attorney:_________________________ Sex:___Male ___Female ____Formerly male ___Formerly female ___Both If female, indicate breast implant size:_______ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ____ Please indicate brand of cell phone:____________________ (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Please indicate activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading variety magazine [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many time: a) You expect to shoot other drivers:______ b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving:_______ Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week:_______ Are you presently taking any of the following medications? a) Prozac b) Zovirax c) Lithium d) Zanax e) Valium f) All of the above If none, please explain:_______________________________ What is the length of you daily commute: a) 1 hour b) 2 hours c) 3 hours d) 4 hours or more TEST (Please indicate the correct answer): If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately: a) Call the police to report the crime. b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on TV in a high-speed chase. c) Call your attorney to discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through. d) Call your therapist. e) None of the above. (South Central residents only) In the event of an earth quake, you should: a) Stop your car. b) Keep driving and hope for the best. c) Immediately use you cell phone to call all loved ones. d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4. In the event of rain, you should: a) Never drive over 5 MPH. b) Drive twice as fast as usual. c) You're not sure what "rain" is. When stopped by the police, you should: a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready. b) Try to out run them by driving the wrong way on the 405. c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, ensuring yourself a hefty lawsuit. Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bullet proof virtual window on your left. ----------------------------- From Andre Cramblit: Subject: Dine Rez (humor) You know you've been on the Navajo REZ too long when... 1. You start to recognize individual head of livestock and give them names. 2. You mourn road-kill dogs like they were close friends. 3. Your idea of a great place to go out to dinner on your first date is the snack bar at the gas station just downa road. 4. Every day seems like every other day. 5. You don't mind driving to McDonald's for breakfast, even though it's 60 miles away in the nearest village. 6. You can tell the difference between dogs barking at cattle, dogs barking at horses, and dogs barking at things that go bump in the night. 7. Your pick-up truck has a "Fry Bread Power" or "Got Fry Bread?" bumper sticker. 8. You think that BBQ sheep entrails make a great bed time snack. 9. You notice that everything for sale in the grocery store is stale dated and/or the rebate offers expired four years ago. 10. You come to accept that an appointment on "Monday at 3:00 PM" means "Some time this week. Or maybe next week." (See #4, above.) 11. You can discern the type of grazing land by the taste of the mutton. 12. You wait until it goes on sale to buy your monthly supply of Spam. 13. You know which roads are the most dangerous for running over horses and cows. (And when you know who Don Yellow is because he runs over more livestock than anyone else.) 14. You can find your way around even though there are no street or road signs or house numbers. 15. Everybody knows who you are. And what you're doing. And how much money you have in your pocket. And who you're dating. And what kind of beer is hidden in your closet. 16. You know NOT to go to the store on "payday" (when the social security and general assistance checks come out). 17. You stop pointing with your index finger and start pointing with your lips. 18. You know (and use) the Navajo "mating call." 19. You come to accept that traffic jams at rush hour are due to herds of livestock crossing the highway. You know that livestock have the right-of-way. (from Phil: I have experienced this in Navajoland) 20. You avoid having emergencies or injuries because "Emergency Responses" by the police and ambulance services take at least two hours and could take longer on paydays. 21. You no longer consider it "quaint" or "unusual" when you see someone ride up to the trading post on a horse to collect their mail. 22. You know where all the potholes, washouts, quicksand pits, and washboards are in the roads. 23. You know where "Batman" the 230 pound billy-goat lives and avoid him. 24. You think that a Spam and fried potato burrito is a good choice for brunch. 25. You'll drive 38 miles to see the only mailbox on the side of the road in an area of 5,600 square miles. 26. You spot a single hogan who has posted a "Neighborhood Watch" sign and the nearest neighbor is ten miles away. 27. Your new name is "Sh'ew!" and you find out a lot of people have that name. (Roughly the Navajo equivalent of "hey, you.") 28. You go to a sweat lodge and know what that little piece of string is for. 29. You take your lunch break at the local flea market. 30. No work gets done because it's another Tribal holiday (not Columbus Day). 31. Your name appears in the "credit" book at the trading post. 32. You no longer consider yourself a "full blooded Indian" after donating at the blood bank. 33. You believe a Pow-wow was originated by the Navajo. 34. You no longer fear going to hell when you die because Kit Carson and George Custer are there and they won't let Indians or sympathizers in. 35. You hang eagle feathers from your rear-view mirror to ward off the evil resulting from a coyote crossing the road in front of you. 36. You say you're "going to town" and everybody knows you're driving to Gallup, NM, 95 miles away on a two lane road. 37. You want a Navajo Cadillac; a late model one-ton capacity king- cab pick-up truck of any kind with dual rear wheels, a fifth-wheel hitch, and three bales of hay in the back. 38. You do your own haircuts. 39. You hear Ben Begay in the a conversation, it is not about rubbing cream on your sore muscles. ============================================ X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X ============================================ Here are some random historical events for October: October 1, 630: Tajoom Uk'ab' K'ak', Maya King of Calukmal dies. October 2, 1853: As a part of the "Walker War" in southern Utah, several Utes seek refuge in the local fort. Instead of protecting the Indians, they are killed by the settlers. October 3, 1764: Leaving Fort Pitt with more than 1,500 soldiers and militia, Colonel Henry Bouquet leads his men into Ohio in search of hostile Indians. October 4, 1693: In 1680, Tewa leader Popé spurred an uprising of the Pueblos against the Spanish mission in New Mexico. Diego de Vargas leads an expedition to reconquer the area. His force consists of 100 soldiers, seventy-three settler families, eighteen priests, and some Indian allies. October 5, 1724: French peace envoy Etienne Veniard de Bourgmont has been charged with making peace among the Indians of modern Kansas, part of the French territory of Louisiana. He holds a council. The council included representatives of the "Canza, Padouca, Aiaouez (Iowa?) and the Othouez (Otto?). The various Chiefs and representative all agree to peace and smoke each others peace pipes. October 6, 1786: A large force of primarily Kentucky militiamen attack a peaceful Shawnee village on the Mad River, not far form modern Bellefontaine, Ohio. The force is led by Benjamin Logan. One of the Colonels is Daniel Boone. Many Indians are killed, including Chief Molunthy, and a few prisoners are recovered. October 7, 1844: A treaty conference is held between Texans, headed by Sam Houston, and the Anadarko, Lipan Apache, Caddo, Cherokee, Comanche, Delaware, Hainai, Kichai, Shawnee, Tawakoni and the Waco. October 8, 1869: Army records indicate that members of the First Cavalry fight with a band of Indians in Chiricahua Pass in Arizona. Two soldiers are wounded. Twelve Indians are killed. October 9, 1861: Cherokee Chief John Ross presents a treaty with the Confederate States of America to the Cherokee National Assembly for their consideration and ratification. October 10, 1771: Spanish soldiers attack the wife of a Kumeyaay chief. The Chief attacks the involved soldiers, and he is killed. October 11, 1869: A confrontation has developed between Canadian surveyors and Louis Riel's Metis cousin, Andre Nault. Andre does not want the surveyors on his land. Riel and a dozen other Metis respond to help. Riel walks up, steps on the surveyor's chain and says, "You go no further." This is the start of a rebellion which rocks Canada. October 12, 1758: British soldiers have built a fort in southwestern Pennsylvania, southwest of modern Johnston. The fort is named after the British Commander in Chief Lord Ligonier. A force of more 1,000 French and a few hundred Indians attack the fort The attack is unsuccessful. The French and Indians retreat to Fort Duquense. October 13, 1528: According to some sources, Cabeza de Vaca and eighty other Spaniards come across one of the mouths of the Mississippi River. They are unable to enter the river though. They continue their journey west. October 14, 1754: Anthony Henday represents the Hudson Bay Company. His is on an expedition to try to set up trade between his company and the Blackfeet . He has his first meeting with a Chief of that tribe. The Chief tells Henday the Blackfeet have everything they need and there is no need to trade with anyone. October 15, 1748: Lands are allotted to the Tuscarora Indians, by an act of the North Carolina General Assembly at Newbern. October 16, 1869: The Metis create the National Council of the Metis (Comité National des Métis). This group is charged with representing the Metis in negotiations with the Canadian government. Louis Riel is named Secretary of the group. October 17, 1978: The Triball Controlled Community College Assistance Act of October 17, 1978 (106 Stat. 797) is passed by Congress. Its purpose is to "provide for grants for the operation and improvement of tribally controlled community colleges to ensure continued and expanded educational opportunities for Indian students. Encourages partnership between institutes of higher learning and secondary schools serving low income and disadvantaged students to improve retention and graduation rates, improve academic skills, increase opportunities and employment prospects of secondary students." October 18, 1724: French peace envoy Etienne Veniard de Bourgmont has been sent from Fort Orleans to establish peace among the Indians of modern Kansas (part of then Louisiana). He meets the Padoucas in their home territory. October 19, 612: Maya Queen Muwaan Mat (Lady Beastie) ascends to the throne in Palenque, Mexico. October 20, 1959: The Revised Constitution and By-Laws of the Sisseton Wahpeton Sioux Tribe of South Dakota is voted on. It is approved by a vote of 251 to 81. October 21, 1770: Spanish and Opata Indians forces, led by Bernardo de Gálvez, cross the Rio del Norte (Rio Grande) into modern Texas near modern Ojinaga, Chihuahua. This is a punitive expedition directed toward the Apache. A former Apache captive is leading them to the village where he was held. October 22, 1785: Boats carrying seventy soldiers, under the leadership of Captain Walter Finney, land at the juncture of the Great Miami and the Ohio Rivers. They build a fort here called Fort Finney. October 23, 1518: Diego de Velásquez, the governor of Cuba, , appoints Hernán Cortés "captain-general" of an expedition to Mexico. October 24, 1778: From today until December 3, 1786, Domingo Cabello y Robles serves as Governor of Texas. During his term, he arranges a peace with the Comanche. October 25, 1764: Colonel Henry Bouquet has led a force of more than 1,500 soldiers into Ohio looking for captives of the recent wars and hostile Indians. Near modern Coshocton, Ohio, local Indians deliver over 200 prisoners to Bouquet. Many of the smaller children do not wish to leave their "adopted" Indian parents. October 26, 1853: Captain John Gunnison, and eight others in the Pacific Railroad survey along the 38th parallel, are killed during a fight with Paiute Indians in the Sevier River valley of Utah. The Paiute hunting party of twenty are led by Moshoquop. Moshoquop's father has been killed by other whites only days before. The Mormons and the Paiutes have been fighting for some time. Some sources put this fight on October 25th. The is sometimes considered a part of the "Walker War." October 27, 1973: The Deputy Assistant Secretary of the Interior has authorized an election to approve an amendment to the Constitution and By-Laws of the Miccosukee Tribe of Indians of Florida. Amendment III is approved by a vote of 44 to 8, Amendment IV is approved 39 to 13, Amendment V is approved 42 to 10. October 28, 1852: Fort Chadbourne is established in west Texas near modern Bronte. It was designed to protect the local settlers and the Butterfield Stage from the local Comanches. October 29, 373: Maya leader Bahlum-Kuk performs his accession ritual at Palenque, Mexico. October 30, 1866: Elements of the Twenty-third Infantry fight some Indians near Malheur County, Oregon. Two Indians are killed, three are wounded and eight are captured, according to army records October 31, 1799: William Augustus Bowles, the self-proclaimed "Director General and Commander-In-Chief of the Muskogee Nation" issues a proclamation. He states that the Treaty of San Ildefonso of 1795 is null and void because it covers ancestral Indian lands. Spain and the United States have no right to trade sovereignty over lands which belong to others. =============================================== X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X+X =============================================== That's it for now, have a great month. Phil Konstantin . . . . . . Anything below this line is not part of my newsletter ====================================================== . . . . . .
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