April 2002 Newsletter Phil Konstantin ================================= Start of the newsletter ================================= This newsletter is a bit late. I have just been taking it easy lately. The word vegetating comes to mind. I have been trying to do as little as possible. Well, as little as possible for me. I actually have more work to do at my job. So, I put off putting this together a few days. Enjoy! ================================= The publisher of my book should start to get things together for my book in the next month or two. For the couple of you who sent me some pictures, I still do not know if they will use them. For those of you who have sent me some suggestions or corrections, I would appreciate hearing from you. I would like to add your name to my acknowledgments page. This is whether I used your information or not. Just send me an e-mail. Thanks, again! ================================= Links of the Month: This month will be a bit different than previous ones. I am features a few of the websites I have found which feature humor. Each of these sites offers a different perspective on American Indian humor. Check them out and have a laugh! Native/Indian Humor by Nancy Deer With Horns (Yes, Deer With Horns is her real name: http://www.angelfire.com/ct/deerwhorns/humor1.html National Museum of the American Indian - Conexus Indian Humor: http://www.conexus.si.edu/humor/ Coyote Bites Back (an audio file) http://www.uiowa.edu/~uiaises/cbb.htm You Could Be An Indian If... http://www.uiowa.edu/~uiaises/ycbi.htm Indian_Humor_ http://www.geocities.com/crazyoglala/Indian_Humor_.html Canku Ota (1/27/2001) http://www.turtletrack.org/Issues01/Co01272001/CO_01272001_Stoic.htm Native American Humor Jokes http://native-jokes.home.att.net/ On & Off the Res' with Charlie Hill http://www.nativetelecom.org/realmedia/video/onandoff/index.html Club Red with Charlie Hill http://nativetelecom.org/realmedia/clubred/index.html Native American Humor http://www.bluecloud.org/humor.html Indian Jokes-Native American Humor http://www.joinme.net/kansassbill/kansassbill.html Native Intelligence, Inc. - Native Humor http://nativeintelligence.com/humor.asp John Potter: http://www.aaanativearts.com/categories.php?op=newindex&catid=291 AAANATIVEARTS http://www.aaanativearts.com/categories.php?op=newindex&catid=239 Native American Humor http://www.ahajokes.com/i005.html Native American Jokes http://www.spottedeagle.com/jokes.htm Native American Jokes and Humor http://home.att.net/~native-jokes/main.html ================================= For the few of you who have seen me on TV here in San Diego, you know I have a corny sense of humor. To go along with the humor theme, here are a couple of jokes: --------- From Kangi: Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set"M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? -------------- From R.Torres: This Schaghticoke guy was standing on the corner when this good-looking woman on her way to work passed by . The Schaghticoke raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!" Everyday for a whole week, the same thing happened. As the woman would walk past, the Indian would raise his hand, and say, "Chance!" Finally, she couldn't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?" He nods. She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!'." The Schaghticoke says, "I already know 'how'. I just want 'chance'." ------------- From Christi Lawler (my son's girlfriend): The following are actual in-flight quotes taken from a digest: "On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ****** "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways off this airplane." ****** "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ****** After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." ****** From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." ****** In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite, now. ****** Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." ****** "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." ****** "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." ****** Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!" ****** Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." ****** An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" ****** Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." ****** A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine! ----------- And one of my old favorites from an American Indian comic on the Johnny Carson version of the The Tonight Show many years ago. Doing his homage to Henny Youngman, he said, "Take my land, Please." ================================= Here are some random historical events: April 1: 1880: Captain Eli Huggins, and Troop E, Second Cavalry, from Fort Keogh, in east-central Montana, surprise a band of "hostile" Sioux. During a brief battle, the soldiers capture five Indians, forty-six horses, and some weapons. Lieutenant John Coale, and Troop C, Second Cavalry, from Fort Custer, in south-central Montana, has a skirmish with Sioux on O'Fallon's Creek. One soldier is killed in the fighting. According to Army reports, some of these Indians are believed to have been involved in the theft of Crow Indian scout horses, from Fort Custer, on March 24, 1880. For his part in cutting off the Indians' herd of ponies through the use of "fearless exposure and dashing bravery," Second Lieutenant Lloyd M. Brett is awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. Captain Huggins will also be awarded the Medal of Honor for his actions in the fighting. April 2: 1781: Established on the heights above the Cumberland River, Fort Nashborough served as a central point of defense for the settlers in the area which eventually becomes Nashville, Tennessee. The fort is the scene of almost continuous sniping by local Indians over a twenty-year period. A Cherokee war party attempts to capture the fort. Using a few exposed warriors as bait, they lure twenty woodsmen out of the fort. The main body attacks the Europeans, killing five. The fort lets loose a pack of hunting dogs which attack the Cherokees. The surviving woodsmen make their escape while the Cherokees fight off the dogs. This attack is the last serious attack on the fort by the Cherokees. April 3: 1975: Gerald Tailfeathers, a Blood from Alberta, Canada is an accomplished artist. He dies on the Blood Reserve. April 4: 1840: Comanche Chief Piava arranges an exchange of two prisoners with the residents of San Antonio, Texas. Two captives from each side are released. April 5: 1879: Having been cast out of Little Wolf's Band of Cheyenne for killing two of their fellow Northern Cheyenne, a group of eight Indians are moving on their own. They attack a Sergeant, and a Private, of the Second Cavalry, on Mizpah Creek. The Sergeant is seriously wounded, and the Private is killed. April 6: 572: Maya King Kan B'alam I (Great Sun Snake Jaguar) takes the throne in Palenque, Mexico April 7: 1864: Colonel John Chivington, Commander of the District of Colorado, reports to his supervisor, Major General Samuel Curtis, that Cheyennes have stolen 175 cattle from a ranch on the Smokey Hill stage coach route. An investigation, conducted much later shows no proof the Indians are involved in any such activity. April 8: 1756: Governor Robert Morris declares war on the Delaware and Shawnee Indians. As a part of his declaration, he offer the following cash bounties: prisoners: men over twelve = 150 Spanish pieces of eight, women or boys = 130; scalps: men = 130, women and boys = 50. The bounty on scalps leads to the killing of many innocent Indians who are members of neither tribe. The legislation for this is called "The Scalp Act." Some sources list this happening on April 14th April 9: 1830: After some "politicking," Greenwood le Flore is elected as Chief of the Choctaw Nation, during a "rump" council. Previously, there were three regional Chiefs. Le Flore is in favor of selling the Choctaw lands, and moving to Indian Territory (present day Oklahoma). Some sources state this happens on March 16th. April 10: 1837: As part of the treaty signed on March 6th, the Seminoles are to report to Tampa Bay no later than today for transport to the Indian Territory (present day Oklahoma). Prior to today, General Jesup reneged on one of the provisions of the treaty. He allowed whites to come among the Indians to seek out blacks whom they claimed as runaway slaves. This makes the Seminoles doubt if the United States will live up to this agreement. Many of the Seminoles disappear into the woods. April 11: 1873: Captain Jack and several of his warriors arrive at the peace conference site between the lava beds and the soldier's camp in northen California. The army is composed of soldiers from the First Cavalry, Twelfth & Twenty-First Infantry, Fourth Artillery and some Indian scouts . A little before noon, General Canby, who convinced Manuelito and his Apache followers to sign a peace treaty, and his peace commissioners arrive at the meeting place. Canby says he wants to help the Modocs find good land for a reservation. Captain Jack tells him he wants land near the lava beds and Tule Lake. Captain Jack repeated his request for the soldiers to be removed before they continue their talks. Angry words are then passed between Schonchin John, Hooker Jim and commissioner Alfred Meacham. General Canby says that only the "Great Father in Washington" can order the soldiers to leave. Captain Jack, again, repeats his demands to be given lands nearby, and to do it today. Meacham tells Canby to promise him the land. Captain Jack suddenly jumps up, points his pistol at Canby and fires, mortally wounding Canby. Boston Charley shoots, and kills, commissioner Reverend Eleazar Thomas. The other commissioners escape. Six soldiers are also killed. Two officers, thirteen soldiers and two civilians are wounded during the fighting which lasts until April 26th. April 12: 1676: As a part of King Philip's War, 500 Indians attack Sudbury, Massachusetts. Most of the settlers escape into fortified structures. The Indians burn many of the outlying buildings. Hearing of the attack, three relief forces consisting of a total of approximately 100 men from Concord, Watertown, and Marlborough, converge on the settlement. In one battle, the Indians start grass fires to strike at the Europeans. At least, thirty whites are killed in the fighting, and much of the town is destroyed before the Indians withdraw. April 13: 1940: The Assistant Secretary of the Interior approves an election for amendments to the Constitution of the Tuolumne Band of Me-Wok Indians of the Tuolumne Rancheria; the Kashia Band of Pomo Indians of the Stewarts Point Rancheria; AND, the Tule River Indian Tribe. April 14: 1665: A deed for Indian land is registered in New England. It says, "articles of agreement, and a firme bargaine agreed and confirmed between the Sachem of Setaucet, Warawakmy by name." April 15: 1715: Many European settlers have moved onto Yamassee lands without permission. The Yamassee have also been cheated by many traders. The British authorities have ignored almost all of the Yamassees complaints. Yamassee Indians attack settlements near the southeastern Georgia-South Carolina boundary. Several hundred settlers are killed. Among the dead are Indian Agent Thomas Naire and trader William Bray who has been engaged in a conference at the Indian village of Pocotaligo. Bray had settled, without permission, on Yamassee lands and established a trading post. After amassing debts, which they can not pay, Bray suggested the Yamassee pay their debts by giving him slaves from other Indian tribes. This slave trade, and Bray's habit of capturing Indians and selling them as slaves, is a significant factor in the war. April 16: 1519: According to some sources, after landing on the Mexican mainland, Hernán Cortés and his army start their travels toward Tenochtitlán (modern Mexico City). April 17: 1528: Panfilo de Narvaez begins his exploration of Florida by coming ashore near Tampa Bay. He visits an Indian house which is big enough to hold 300 people, in his opinion. He also finds a "rattle" made of gold in the abandoned house. The discovery of gold spurs Narvaez onward across Florida. April 18: 1879: After the Custer disaster, the U.S. government decides to punish the plains Indians. While the Poncas have no part in the Custer battle, the have erroneously been placed in a reservation with the Sioux. When it is decided to force the Sioux to go to Indian Territory (present day Oklahoma), the Poncas are ordered to go as well. Many Poncas start to walk back to their old reservation from Indian Territory. Eventually, General George Crook sympathizes with the Poncas and one of their Chiefs, Standing Bear. Seeking public support to avoid being ordered to send Standing Bear back to Indian Territory, General Crook contacts the press about the Poncas' plight. Many editorials are written in support of the Poncas, and several lawyers volunteer their services for free. Judge Elmer Dundy, with Crook's blessing, issues a writ of habeas corpus to the General to produce the Poncas and show why he is holding them. A U.S. District Attorney argues that the Poncas can not be served a writ because they have no legal standing, or are not recognized as people, under the law. On this date the tribe begins to determine if Indians, and particularly Standing Bear, are people under U.S. laws and can enjoy constitutional rights and privileges. The judge eventually rules Standing Bear is indeed a person and can not be ordered to a reservation against his will. While this decision seems to prevent keeping any Indians on any particular reservation against their will, the eventual course of the U.S. Government is to say the ruling applied only to Standing Bear, and to no one else. April 19: 1735: A force of eighty French and over 200 Indian warriors start a four day attack on a Sauk and Fox village on the Mississippi River near the Des Moines River. The expedition led by Captain Nicolas de Noyelles, is not prepared for siege warfare and they abandon the attack. April 20: 1865: As a part of the investigation into the Sand Creek massacre (November 29, 1864) , Lt. James Olney appears before the commission at Fort Lyon, Colorado. He testifies he witnessed a specific incident of brutality. "…Three squaws and five children, prisoners in charge of some soldiers; that, while they were being conducted along, they were approached by Lieutenant Harry Richmond, of the third Colorado cavalry; that Lieutenant Richmond thereupon immediately killed and scalped the three women and the five children while they (prisoners) were screaming for mercy; while the soldiers in whose charge the prisoners were shrank back, apparently aghast." April 21: 1869: Donehogawa (Ely Samuel Parker) is the first Indian appointed to be Commissioner of Indian Affairs. Donehogawa, a Seneca Iroquois, is trained as a lawyer and a civil engineer. Unable to find work in the white world, Donehogawa contacts his old friend Ulysses Grant. Grant makes him an aide, and they work together through much of the Civil War. Because of his excellent penmanship, Donehogawa draws up the surrender papers for Lee to sign at Appomattox. Promoted to Brigadier General, Ely Parker worked to settle many conflicts between whites and Indians. After Grant becomes President, he is appointed as Indian Commissioner on this date. April 22: 1877: Two Moons, Hump, and 300 other Indians surrender to Colonel Nelson Miles. Most of the rest of Crazy Horse's followers surrender on May 6, 1877 at the Red Cloud, and Spotted Tail agencies. April 23: 906: Uxmal is a Maya ruin in the Yucatan peninsula of Mexico. A dedication ceremony is held for one of the buildings, according to an inscription in the building. April 24: 1885: The Fish Creek fight takes place between Canadian forces under Major General Frederick Dobson Middleton and 150 Metis under Gabriel Dumont. This is one of the more significant fights of the "Riel Rebellion." April 25: 1541: Coronado leaves Alcanfor en route to Quivira. While in Quivira, Coronado killed many of the inhabitants of Tiguex Pueblo. April 26: 1872: Captain Charles Meinhold, and Troop B, Third Cavalry, encounter an Indian war party on the South Fork of the "Loup" River, Nebraska. A fight ensues, in which, three Indians are killed. Scout William F. "Buffalo Bill" Cody, Sergeant John H. Foley, Privates William Strayer and Leroy Vokes will be given the Congressional Medal of Honor for "gallantry in action" during this engagement. April 27: 1877: General George Crook contacts Red Cloud with a message for Crazy Horse. Crook promises that if Crazy Horse surrenders, he will get a reservation in the Powder River area. On this date, Red Cloud delivers the message to Crazy Horse. Crazy Horse agrees and heads to Fort Robinson, in northwestern Nebraska, where he surrenders to the U.S. Army. April 28: 1882: The Mi’kmaq Membertou First Nation reserve of Caribou Marsh is established in Nova Scotia. April 29: 1700: Pierre le Moyne d'Iberville visits a Pascagoula Indian village, one day's walk from the French post at Biloxi. The Pascagoulas have been hit hard by disease brought by the Europeans. D'Iberville is impressed by the beauty of the Pascagoula women. April 30: 1598: Don Juan de Oñate claims all lands in modern New Mexico, including those of the resident Pueblos, for Spain. The event known as "La Toma" takes place near San Elizario. ================================= That's it for this newsletter. Have a great month! ================================= End of the newsletter ================================= . . . . .
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