April 2002 Newsletter
Phil Konstantin
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Start of the newsletter
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This newsletter is a bit late. I have just been taking it easy lately.
The word vegetating comes to mind. I have been trying to do as little as
possible. Well, as little as possible for me. I actually have more work
to do at my job. So, I put off putting this together a few days. Enjoy!
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The publisher of my book should start to get things together for my book
in the next month or two. For the couple of you who sent me some
pictures, I still do not know if they will use them. For those of you
who have sent me some suggestions or corrections, I would appreciate
hearing from you. I would like to add your name to my acknowledgments
page. This is whether I used your information or not. Just send me an
e-mail. Thanks, again!
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Links of the Month:
This month will be a bit different than previous ones. I am features a
few of the websites I have found which feature humor. Each of these
sites offers a different perspective on American Indian humor. Check
them out and have a laugh!
Native/Indian Humor by Nancy Deer With Horns (Yes, Deer With Horns is
her real name:
http://www.angelfire.com/ct/deerwhorns/humor1.html
National Museum of the American Indian - Conexus Indian Humor:
http://www.conexus.si.edu/humor/
Coyote Bites Back (an audio file)
http://www.uiowa.edu/~uiaises/cbb.htm
You Could Be An Indian If...
http://www.uiowa.edu/~uiaises/ycbi.htm
Indian_Humor_
http://www.geocities.com/crazyoglala/Indian_Humor_.html
Canku Ota (1/27/2001)
http://www.turtletrack.org/Issues01/Co01272001/CO_01272001_Stoic.htm
Native American Humor Jokes
http://native-jokes.home.att.net/
On & Off the Res' with Charlie Hill
http://www.nativetelecom.org/realmedia/video/onandoff/index.html
Club Red with Charlie Hill
http://nativetelecom.org/realmedia/clubred/index.html
Native American Humor
http://www.bluecloud.org/humor.html
Indian Jokes-Native American Humor
http://www.joinme.net/kansassbill/kansassbill.html
Native Intelligence, Inc. - Native Humor
http://nativeintelligence.com/humor.asp
John Potter:
http://www.aaanativearts.com/categories.php?op=newindex&catid=291
AAANATIVEARTS
http://www.aaanativearts.com/categories.php?op=newindex&catid=239
Native American Humor
http://www.ahajokes.com/i005.html
Native American Jokes
http://www.spottedeagle.com/jokes.htm
Native American Jokes and Humor
http://home.att.net/~native-jokes/main.html
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For the few of you who have seen me on TV here in San Diego, you know I
have a corny sense of humor. To go along with the humor theme, here are
a couple of jokes:
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From Kangi:
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a
set"M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is
worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set
"M." The set"C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than
set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the
following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There
are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that
his profit margin is $60?
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From R.Torres:
This Schaghticoke guy was standing on the corner when this good-looking
woman on her way to work passed by . The Schaghticoke raises his hand in
greeting, and says, "Chance!" Everyday for a whole week, the same thing
happened. As the woman would walk past, the Indian would raise his hand,
and say, "Chance!" Finally, she couldn't ignore it any longer, stops,
and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?" He nods. She says, "I always
thought Indians said 'How!'." The Schaghticoke says, "I already know
'how'. I just want 'chance'."
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From Christi Lawler (my son's girlfriend):
The following are actual in-flight quotes taken from a digest:
"On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
******
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
off this airplane."
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
******
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
******
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite, now.
******
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
******
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old
lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a
few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me
a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He
should see the back of mine!
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And one of my old favorites from an American Indian comic on the Johnny
Carson version of the The Tonight Show many years ago. Doing his homage
to Henny Youngman, he said, "Take my land, Please."
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Here are some random historical events:
April 1: 1880: Captain Eli Huggins, and Troop E, Second Cavalry, from
Fort Keogh, in east-central Montana, surprise a band of "hostile" Sioux.
During a brief battle, the soldiers capture five Indians, forty-six
horses, and some weapons. Lieutenant John Coale, and Troop C, Second
Cavalry, from Fort Custer, in south-central Montana, has a skirmish with
Sioux on O'Fallon's Creek. One soldier is killed in the fighting.
According to Army reports, some of these Indians are believed to have
been involved in the theft of Crow Indian scout horses, from Fort
Custer, on March 24, 1880. For his part in cutting off the Indians' herd
of ponies through the use of "fearless exposure and dashing bravery,"
Second Lieutenant Lloyd M. Brett is awarded the Congressional Medal of
Honor. Captain Huggins will also be awarded the Medal of Honor for his
actions in the fighting.
April 2: 1781: Established on the heights above the Cumberland River,
Fort Nashborough served as a central point of defense for the settlers
in the area which eventually becomes Nashville, Tennessee. The fort is
the scene of almost continuous sniping by local Indians over a
twenty-year period. A Cherokee war party attempts to capture the fort.
Using a few exposed warriors as bait, they lure twenty woodsmen out of
the fort. The main body attacks the Europeans, killing five. The fort
lets loose a pack of hunting dogs which attack the Cherokees. The
surviving woodsmen make their escape while the Cherokees fight off the
dogs. This attack is the last serious attack on the fort by the
Cherokees.
April 3: 1975: Gerald Tailfeathers, a Blood from Alberta, Canada is an
accomplished artist. He dies on the Blood Reserve.
April 4: 1840: Comanche Chief Piava arranges an exchange of two
prisoners with the residents of San Antonio, Texas. Two captives from
each side are released.
April 5: 1879: Having been cast out of Little Wolf's Band of Cheyenne
for killing two of their fellow Northern Cheyenne, a group of eight
Indians are moving on their own. They attack a Sergeant, and a Private,
of the Second Cavalry, on Mizpah Creek. The Sergeant is seriously
wounded, and the Private is killed.
April 6: 572: Maya King Kan B'alam I (Great Sun Snake Jaguar) takes the
throne in Palenque, Mexico
April 7: 1864: Colonel John Chivington, Commander of the District of
Colorado, reports to his supervisor, Major General Samuel Curtis, that
Cheyennes have stolen 175 cattle from a ranch on the Smokey Hill stage
coach route. An investigation, conducted much later shows no proof the
Indians are involved in any such activity.
April 8: 1756: Governor Robert Morris declares war on the Delaware and
Shawnee Indians. As a part of his declaration, he offer the following
cash bounties: prisoners: men over twelve = 150 Spanish pieces of eight,
women or boys = 130; scalps: men = 130, women and boys = 50. The bounty
on scalps leads to the killing of many innocent Indians who are members
of neither tribe. The legislation for this is called "The Scalp Act."
Some sources list this happening on April 14th
April 9: 1830: After some "politicking," Greenwood le Flore is elected
as Chief of the Choctaw Nation, during a "rump" council. Previously,
there were three regional Chiefs. Le Flore is in favor of selling the
Choctaw lands, and moving to Indian Territory (present day Oklahoma).
Some sources state this happens on March 16th.
April 10: 1837: As part of the treaty signed on March 6th, the Seminoles
are to report to Tampa Bay no later than today for transport to the
Indian Territory (present day Oklahoma). Prior to today, General Jesup
reneged on one of the provisions of the treaty. He allowed whites to
come among the Indians to seek out blacks whom they claimed as runaway
slaves. This makes the Seminoles doubt if the United States will live up
to this agreement. Many of the Seminoles disappear into the woods.
April 11: 1873: Captain Jack and several of his warriors arrive at the
peace conference site between the lava beds and the soldier's camp in
northen California. The army is composed of soldiers from the First
Cavalry, Twelfth & Twenty-First Infantry, Fourth Artillery and some
Indian scouts . A little before noon, General Canby, who convinced
Manuelito and his Apache followers to sign a peace treaty, and his peace
commissioners arrive at the meeting place. Canby says he wants to help
the Modocs find good land for a reservation. Captain Jack tells him he
wants land near the lava beds and Tule Lake. Captain Jack repeated his
request for the soldiers to be removed before they continue their talks.
Angry words are then passed between Schonchin John, Hooker Jim and
commissioner Alfred Meacham. General Canby says that only the "Great
Father in Washington" can order the soldiers to leave. Captain Jack,
again, repeats his demands to be given lands nearby, and to do it today.
Meacham tells Canby to promise him the land. Captain Jack suddenly jumps
up, points his pistol at Canby and fires, mortally wounding Canby.
Boston Charley shoots, and kills, commissioner Reverend Eleazar Thomas.
The other commissioners escape. Six soldiers are also killed. Two
officers, thirteen soldiers and two civilians are wounded during the
fighting which lasts until April 26th.
April 12: 1676: As a part of King Philip's War, 500 Indians attack
Sudbury, Massachusetts. Most of the settlers escape into fortified
structures. The Indians burn many of the outlying buildings. Hearing of
the attack, three relief forces consisting of a total of approximately
100 men from Concord, Watertown, and Marlborough, converge on the
settlement. In one battle, the Indians start grass fires to strike at
the Europeans. At least, thirty whites are killed in the fighting, and
much of the town is destroyed before the Indians withdraw.
April 13: 1940: The Assistant Secretary of the Interior approves an
election for amendments to the Constitution of the Tuolumne Band of
Me-Wok Indians of the Tuolumne Rancheria; the Kashia Band of Pomo
Indians of the Stewarts Point Rancheria; AND, the Tule River Indian
Tribe.
April 14: 1665: A deed for Indian land is registered in New England. It
says, "articles of agreement, and a firme bargaine agreed and confirmed
between the Sachem of Setaucet, Warawakmy by name."
April 15: 1715: Many European settlers have moved onto Yamassee lands
without permission. The Yamassee have also been cheated by many traders.
The British authorities have ignored almost all of the Yamassees
complaints. Yamassee Indians attack settlements near the southeastern
Georgia-South Carolina boundary. Several hundred settlers are killed.
Among the dead are Indian Agent Thomas Naire and trader William Bray who
has been engaged in a conference at the Indian village of Pocotaligo.
Bray had settled, without permission, on Yamassee lands and established
a trading post. After amassing debts, which they can not pay, Bray
suggested the Yamassee pay their debts by giving him slaves from other
Indian tribes. This slave trade, and Bray's habit of capturing Indians
and selling them as slaves, is a significant factor in the war.
April 16: 1519: According to some sources, after landing on the Mexican
mainland, Hernán Cortés and his army start their travels toward
Tenochtitlán (modern Mexico City).
April 17: 1528: Panfilo de Narvaez begins his exploration of Florida by
coming ashore near Tampa Bay. He visits an Indian house which is big
enough to hold 300 people, in his opinion. He also finds a "rattle" made
of gold in the abandoned house. The discovery of gold spurs Narvaez
onward across Florida.
April 18: 1879: After the Custer disaster, the U.S. government decides
to punish the plains Indians. While the Poncas have no part in the
Custer battle, the have erroneously been placed in a reservation with
the Sioux. When it is decided to force the Sioux to go to Indian
Territory (present day Oklahoma), the Poncas are ordered to go as well.
Many Poncas start to walk back to their old reservation from Indian
Territory. Eventually, General George Crook sympathizes with the Poncas
and one of their Chiefs, Standing Bear. Seeking public support to avoid
being ordered to send Standing Bear back to Indian Territory, General
Crook contacts the press about the Poncas' plight. Many editorials are
written in support of the Poncas, and several lawyers volunteer their
services for free. Judge Elmer Dundy, with Crook's blessing, issues a
writ of habeas corpus to the General to produce the Poncas and show why
he is holding them. A U.S. District Attorney argues that the Poncas can
not be served a writ because they have no legal standing, or are not
recognized as people, under the law. On this date the tribe begins to
determine if Indians, and particularly Standing Bear, are people under
U.S. laws and can enjoy constitutional rights and privileges. The judge
eventually rules Standing Bear is indeed a person and can not be ordered
to a reservation against his will. While this decision seems to prevent
keeping any Indians on any particular reservation against their will,
the eventual course of the U.S. Government is to say the ruling applied
only to Standing Bear, and to no one else.
April 19: 1735: A force of eighty French and over 200 Indian warriors
start a four day attack on a Sauk and Fox village on the Mississippi
River near the Des Moines River. The expedition led by Captain Nicolas
de Noyelles, is not prepared for siege warfare and they abandon the
attack.
April 20: 1865: As a part of the investigation into the Sand Creek
massacre (November 29, 1864) , Lt. James Olney appears before the
commission at Fort Lyon, Colorado. He testifies he witnessed a specific
incident of brutality. "…Three squaws and five children, prisoners in
charge of some soldiers; that, while they were being conducted along,
they were approached by Lieutenant Harry Richmond, of the third Colorado
cavalry; that Lieutenant Richmond thereupon immediately killed and
scalped the three women and the five children while they (prisoners)
were screaming for mercy; while the soldiers in whose charge the
prisoners were shrank back, apparently aghast."
April 21: 1869: Donehogawa (Ely Samuel Parker) is the first Indian
appointed to be Commissioner of Indian Affairs. Donehogawa, a Seneca
Iroquois, is trained as a lawyer and a civil engineer. Unable to find
work in the white world, Donehogawa contacts his old friend Ulysses
Grant. Grant makes him an aide, and they work together through much of
the Civil War. Because of his excellent penmanship, Donehogawa draws up
the surrender papers for Lee to sign at Appomattox. Promoted to
Brigadier General, Ely Parker worked to settle many conflicts between
whites and Indians. After Grant becomes President, he is appointed as
Indian Commissioner on this date.
April 22: 1877: Two Moons, Hump, and 300 other Indians surrender to
Colonel Nelson Miles. Most of the rest of Crazy Horse's followers
surrender on May 6, 1877 at the Red Cloud, and Spotted Tail agencies.
April 23: 906: Uxmal is a Maya ruin in the Yucatan peninsula of Mexico.
A dedication ceremony is held for one of the buildings, according to an
inscription in the building.
April 24: 1885: The Fish Creek fight takes place between Canadian forces
under Major General Frederick Dobson
Middleton and 150 Metis under Gabriel Dumont. This is one of the more
significant fights of the "Riel Rebellion."
April 25: 1541: Coronado leaves Alcanfor en route to Quivira. While in
Quivira, Coronado killed many of the inhabitants of Tiguex Pueblo.
April 26: 1872: Captain Charles Meinhold, and Troop B, Third Cavalry,
encounter an Indian war party on the South Fork of the "Loup" River,
Nebraska. A fight ensues, in which, three Indians are killed. Scout
William F. "Buffalo Bill" Cody, Sergeant John H. Foley, Privates William
Strayer and Leroy Vokes will be given the Congressional Medal of Honor
for "gallantry in action" during this engagement.
April 27: 1877: General George Crook contacts Red Cloud with a message
for Crazy Horse. Crook promises that if Crazy Horse surrenders, he will
get a reservation in the Powder River area. On this date, Red Cloud
delivers the message to Crazy Horse. Crazy Horse agrees and heads to
Fort Robinson, in northwestern Nebraska, where he surrenders to the U.S.
Army.
April 28: 1882: The Mi’kmaq Membertou First Nation reserve of Caribou
Marsh is established in Nova Scotia.
April 29: 1700: Pierre le Moyne d'Iberville visits a Pascagoula Indian
village, one day's walk from the French post at Biloxi. The Pascagoulas
have been hit hard by disease brought by the Europeans. D'Iberville is
impressed by the beauty of the Pascagoula women.
April 30: 1598: Don Juan de Oñate claims all lands in modern New Mexico,
including those of the resident Pueblos, for Spain. The event known as
"La Toma" takes place near San Elizario.
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That's it for this newsletter. Have a great month!
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End of the newsletter
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