. . . . . . . . . =========================== Start of the February 2003 Newsletter =========================== Greetings, I had planned to write this newsletter on Saturday the 1st. I slept in because I will be working the afternoon shift starting tomorrow. Upon awakening, I heard the story of the shuttle Columbia. I have cable TV, so I checked out the NASA channel, CNN, NBC & several other news sources. I watched for a while to find out what was known at that time. Then, I got on the internet. I found all kinds of information through some special contacts there. In case you are new to the newsletter, you may not know that I helped to run the computers that ran Mission Control in Houston. I worked at the Johnson Space Center from just after Apollo 15 until the end of the Skylab missions. I worked downstairs from the large room with the banks of consoles and the wall of large monitors you often see on television and in movies. When the reports of the debris started coming in, I noticed it was landing in a part of Texas (Cherokee & Nacogdoches Counties) where I have relatives (Palestine, Alto & near Nacogdoches). My cousin Gloria heard the sonic boom. It rattled her windows pretty hard. Her husband saw the shuttle and thought it was a meteor. Based on the sound, my aunt Dorothy thought there had been a car crash just outside her house (she lives next to a 4 lane highway). My cousin Dean saw the shuttle and thought a commercial jet had exploded. Debris fell near his house. I did not know any of the people on the Columbia. My sympathies go out to their families and co-workers. Many of the voices and faces I saw on TV were people I knew and respected. I knew Jim Oberg from my days at NASA. We were both officers in the Houston Chapter of a space enthusiasts group called the L-5 Society. Jim made an interesting comment when while he was on NBC. "No one does this job for the money." He is right. The astronauts, and the engineers, could all probably make more in non-NASA based jobs. Most of these people, myself included at the time, did what we did because of our passion for the space program. If you are interested, you can see pictures I took on my trip to the Kennedy Space Center to see a shuttle liftoff in 2001, or read a couple of my space related articles on this web page: http://americanindian.net/space.html Every astronaut I have ever met has been very unassuming. You could easily walk past one in an airport, and never know who they were. While they may be heroes for putting their lives on the line, they seldom swagger. I see the same thing in my job in law enforcement. I am sure it is the same way in the military. All of us face a certain danger every day, but that is something you do not let rule your life. You consider the dangers, find ways to reduce its possibility, and then you get on with your job. All of which reminds me of a short story I posted on my pages about one of my trips to Mexico to see ancient Indian ruins: "Here is a short story of something which happened on my trip. My parents, who live near Houston, met me at the airport. We had a nice visit while I was waiting for my connecting flight back to San Diego. While we were sitting there, a flight arrived and I noticed a familiar face get off the plane. It was Gene Cernan. Gene Cernan was the last person to stand on the moon. I helped run the computers in Mission Control at NASA in Houston during his flight (Apollo 17). I also met him once in San Diego during a special program at the Reuben Fleet Science Center. I pointed him out to my parents. As we watched him go by, we noticed that I had been the only person to recognize him. One of the twelve men who have walked on the moon had just walked through a crowded airport without being recognized, except by me. So much for history! " ------------ Last month I passed along a rather ascerbic e-mail I received from someone I do not know. This was the note about how real reservation Indians thought I was a joke. It turns out that no one who responded was familiar with the person who sent it. I wanted to say thank you for the many nice replies I received from all of you who said I wasn't a joke. Granted, I do tell a few, from time to time. I also noted there was a confusing "review" of my book on the Amazon.com. It talked about the book being a bunch of "hippy-drivel" and other similar phrases. It was obvious that the person had never read the book. It was there for about a week or two, and then it disappeared. I guess Amazon.com deleted it. If any of you would like to post a review of my book, you can add it by clciking the "Write an online review and share your thoughts with other customers" line on this page on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0306811707/qid%3D1044216764/sr%3D11-1/ref%3Dsr%5F11%5F1/002-8437392-0532039 ----------- I have enrolled in an American Indian Studies class at Palomar College. It is all conducted on the internet. The class covers Indian Country today. It looks interesting, so far. I'll let you know how it goes. ----------- I am going to be making a couple of "appearances" in the next several months. I will be interviewed on radio station WPFW in Washington, D.C. (by phone) on either Sunday, February 16th or 23rd at 8pm eastern time. In late May, I will be one of many speakers at "A Confluence of Cultures: Native Americans and the Expedition of Lewis and Clark." This will be at the University of Montana in Missoula. You can find out more at their website: http://www.umt.edu/cultures/ . I have always wanted to visit this area in order to see some of the sites I have written about. ----------- Last week, it was 91 degrees in one of the San Diego suburbs. It was under 30 degrees in parts of Florida, at the same time. My how the weather does change. We have had a lot of military personnel leave the San Diego area in the last month. They are heading toward the Persian Gulf area. I wish everyone a safe and peaceful mission. Hopefully, the issues in the area can be resolved in a peaceful manner. Considering all of the sobering issues we have had in the last few days, I have included a bit more humor in this month's newsletter than I normaly do. My carpel tunnel like problems have returned. So, I am going to cut this a bit short. Yea, I know, it is too late for that! ========================= The "Link of the Month" for February 2003 is THE PLAINS CREE: A HISTORICAL AND ETHNOGRAPHIC STUDY by David G. Mandelbaum. This exceptionally detailed site looks at this Canadian First Nation. It covers a wide variety of subjects and material. It also has many illustrations. I highly recommend it. It can be found at: http://www.schoolnet.ca/aboriginal/Plains_Cree/index-e.html ========================= This month's movie is Smoke Signals. As listed on the Internet Movie Database site, here is the plot summary: "Young Indian man Thomas is a nerd in his reservation, wearing oversize glasses and telling everyone stories no-one wants to here. His parents died in a fire in 1976, and Thomas was saved by Arnold. Arnold soon left his family (and his tough son Victor), and Victor hasn't seen his father for 10 years. When Victor hears Arnold has died, Thomas offers him funding for the trip to get Arnold's remains, but only if Thomas will also go with him. Thomas and Victor hit the road." The movie is directed by Chris Eyre, and written by Sherman Alexie. Sherman Alexie is a well known writer in Indian Country. His official website is located at: http://www.fallsapart.com/ . The movie is based on the story "This is What It Means to Say Phoenix, Arizona," from his book: 'The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fist Fight in Heaven.' His website on the movie http://www.fallsapart.com/smoke.html summarizes the story as: "Set in Arizona, Smoke Signals is the story of two Indian boys on a journey. Victor (Adam Beach) is the stoic, handsome son of an alcoholic father who has abandoned his family. Thomas (Evan Adams) is a gregarious, goofy young man who lost both his parents in a fire at a very young age. Through storytelling, Thomas makes every effort to connect with the people around him; Victor, in contrast, uses his quiet countenance to gain strength and confidence. When Victor's estranged father dies, the two men embark on an adventure to Phoenix to collect the ashes. Along the way, Smoke Signals illustrates the ties that bind these two very different young men and embraces the lessons they learn from one another." Chris Eyre also directed Things We Do (1998), Skins (2001) and Skinwalkers (2002). You can read more about him at: http://www.filmfestivalreporter.com/feature_makers/eyre_stepanek_03_2002.htm This movie often produces a dichotomy of feelings. Many people either hate it, or love it. I liked it, although I did find some faults. The story can be taken as an Coeur d'Alene Indian movie, a buddy movie, a coming of age movie, or a conflict of cultures movie. It might be some, or all, of those things. As a person who likes to make fun of my shortcomings, I really liked the comic side of the movie. One of the better lines in the movie is when Victor, played by Adam Beach, is trying to get Thomas, played by Evan Adams, to be more stoic and like a warrior. He wants him to act more "like an Indian." Victor tells Thomas that he must look like he has just killed a buffalo in order to get some respect. Thomas says that their tribe didn't hunt buffalo, they were fishermen. Victor then says that being "Dances With Salmon" isn't going to get it done. There are a lot of Indian jokes and comments about reservation life. It also addresses the racist leanings of many of the European-American characters. There are several scenes that show the poverty level of 'life on the rez.' Owning a vehicle, especially one that works, is a major status symbol. No one makes much of two young women driving their car in reverse all of time. This is because it only goes in reverse. One of the two women is Elaine Miles. You might remember her as Marilyn Whirlwind, the doctor's receptionist, on the TV program Northern Exposures. It was good to see her again. In fact, Cynthia Geary, who plays a gymnast the two men meet on a bus, was also on Northern Exposures. Irene Bedard plays Suzy Song. Irene was the physical model for, and the voice of, Pocahontas in the Disney movie of the same name. Irene has been in many movies, and she does a good job in this one. Another familiar face is Tantoo Cardinal, who plays Victor's mother. This movie is a rare case where American Indians wrote, directed, acted in and produced the project. While that is not necessarily a good reason to see a movie, I do recommend the movie. I see it as a slice of life drama with comedic moments. It is an interesting story, and it portrays a part of America that few people will ever experience first hand. There are many levels to this movie. The people who praise the movie usually do so because of these layers. Those who do not, usually find these different, and sometimes subtle and other times overt, levels as unimportant or uninteresting. Fry bread also plays a part in the movie. If you have seen any of my recent pictures, you can tell I like fry bread. Here are some links to and about the movie. http://us.imdb.com/Title?0120321 http://movies.yourworld.com/past/s/smokesig.html http://www.apolloguide.com/mov_revtemp.asp?CId=565 http://www.teachwithmovies.org/guides/smoke-signals.html Teacher's guide http://www.hollywood.com/multimedia/detail/media/368316 theatrical trailer http://www2.indiewire.com/people/int_Eyre_Chris_980626.html interview with Eyre http://archives.thedaily.washington.edu/1998/070898/fire.html http://www.screenit.com/movies/1998/smoke_signals.html more points to discuss ========================= Here are some posting I have received: Joseph RedCloud (6th generation descendent of Red Cloud) sent me this quote he found: "Friends, it has been our misfortune to welcome the white man. We have been deceived. He brought with him some shining things that pleased our eyes; he brought weapons more effective than our own: above all, he brought the spirit water that makes one forget, for a time, old age, weakness, and sorrow. But I wish to say to you that if you would possess these things for yourselves, you must begin anew and put away the wisdom of your fathers. You must lay up food, and forget the hungry. When your house is built, your storeroom filled, then look around for a neighbor whom you can take at a disadvantage, and seize all that he has! Give away only what you do not want; or rather, do not part with any of your possessions unless in exchange for another's." "My countrymen, shall the glittering trinkets of this rich man, his deceitful drink that overcomes the mind, shall these things tempt us to give up our homes, our hunting grounds, and the honorable teachings of our old men? Shall we permit ourselves to be driven to and fro -- to be herded like the cattle of the white man?" - Chief Red Cloud, Oglala Lakota -------------------------- Dear Phil, While browsing the web searching for a good map depicting the Basin & Plateau Geography of North America, I happened upon your site. I am the founder of a game development studio seeking development funding for a new massive multiplayer online role playing game called “Frontier 1859 Wild West MMORPG.” This project is seeking consultants, especially needed are those with a perspective from Native American cultures, as we will be creating the tools by which players can play the role of several tribes in the area, and they will have both mythical, spiritual and physical attributes being able to be played out. Picture a game as popular as Sony’s “Everquest” but all about Frontier living. At some point, when project funding happens, we will be able to pay some of the work-for-hire contributors for their services as consultants and what not. Currently, we have had several interviews, and interest has spread world-wide. Please visit our community online forum when you get chance and see if this is something that interests you. Thank you for a moment of your time. -Daniel B. McMillan Exec. Producer Cosmic Origins, LLC www.cosmicorigins.com --------------------- American Indian Graduate Center (AIGC) AIGC WAS FOUNDED IN 1969 TO HELP OPEN THE DOORS TO GRADUATE EDUCATION FOR AMERICAN INDIAN AND ALASKA NATIVE COLLEGE GRADUATES. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR AN AIGC FELLOWSHIP, APPLICANT MUST BE: -AN ENROLLED MEMBER OF A US FEDERALLY RECOGNIZED AMERICAN INDIAN TRIBE OR ALASKA NATIVE GROUP, OR POSSESS ONE FOURTH DEGREE INDIAN BLOOD; -PERUSING MASTER'S OR DOCTORATE DEGREE -IN NEED OF FINANCIAL AID -SUBMIT ESSAY BASED ON THE QUESTION: "HOW WILL YOUR GRADUATE EDUCATION IMPACT THE INDIAN COMMUNITY? -DEADLINE: JUNE 2, 2003 for more information go to: http://www.aigc.com ------------ Massachusetts Center for Native American Awareness, Inc. (MCNAA) was gifted with 7+ acres of land in Ossipee, NH back in 1995. We have been unable to find a good use for the land because it is out of state [for us]. Also, it's zoned residential and our use would be for business/commercial. Although minimal, we pay the yearly real estate taxes and the road maintenance fees but find that we are putting money into something that we are not using nor see future use for. And this is not very good use of our funds no matter how small. For over a year, we have been exploring the idea of putting the land on the open market and have now decided that this is our best option. The information is as follows: LOCATION: Beech River Road, Ossipee, NH (in cul-de-sac) SIZE: 7+ acres RESTRICTIONS: Mobile homes must be permanent & skirted. USE: Buildable House Lot ASKING PRICE: $15,000 We hope one of you or someone you know will have a need for this land and that this offer will appeal to one of you. If any of you are or if someone you know is seriously interested in this 7+ acre buildable lot, please call 617-884-4227. Thank you. Kim and Burne ------------------- SCHOLARSHIPS FOR MINORITY STUDENTS IN THE SCIENCES The American Chemical Society, the world's largest scientific society, is seeking applications from underrepresented minority students for its scholars program. The application deadline is February 15, 2003. The ACS Scholars Program provides financial support to academically accomplished African American, Hispanic and Native American students in their pursuit of undergraduate studies in chemistry, chemical engineering, biochemistry, environmental science and related disciplines in two- and four- year college and university programs. Up to 100 scholarships will be awarded to minority students seeking a career in chemistry. Freshmen can receive up to $2,500 per academic year. Sophomores, juniors and seniors are eligible for up to $3,000 per academic year. According to the Society's ChemCensus Report, relatively few minorities major in science-related disciplines at the college level. In 2000, for example, those of Hispanic heritage - 12.5 percent of the U.S. population - represented 2.6 percent of the chemistry work force; African Americans - almost 12 percent of the population - made up less than two percent of the chemical work force; and Native Americans - one percent of the population - made up less than one percent of the chemical work force. For more details on the ACS Scholars Program, including an online application form, please visit www.acs.org/scholars or telephone 1-800-227-5558, extension 6250. ------------------------- University of California at Berkeley, College of Engineering Summer Undergraduate Program in Engineering Research at Berkeley (SUPERB) 2003 Program dates are June 16th - August 8th (8 weeks) Application deadline February 14, 2003 PROGRAM GOALS: The goal of the Summer Undergraduate Program in Engineering Research at Berkeley (SUPERB) is to provide research opportunities in engineering to students who have been historically underrepresented in the field for reasons of social, cultural, educational or economic barriers. The program provides students with the opportunity to gain research experience by participating in research projects with engineering faculty and graduate students. SUPERB features regular workshops and seminars on the nature of academic life, standardized test preparation, writing and research skills and graduate school applications. Informal meetings and social events with faculty and graduate students are also offered. Upon completion of this program students will be better prepared and motivated to attend graduate school. EXPECTATION: SUPERB participants are required to attend orientation and complete the entire eight-week program. Each participant is required to give an oral presentation and submit a written report describing the results of his/her research. ELIGIBILITY: SUPERB targets students who have been historically underrepresented in the field of engineering such as African-Americans, Latino/Chicanos, Native Americans and women. SUPERB is offered to students who by virtue of their life experiences, cultural background and/or educational expectations have experienced barriers to pursuing careers in engineering. Participants must be U.S. citizens or permanent residents. The program prefers junior and senior level students who have completed some upper division coursework in one of the following disciplines: 1. Bioengineering (BioE), 2.Civil and Environmental Engineering (CEE), 3. Electrical Engineering & Computer Sciences (EECS) and 4. Mechanical Engineering (ME) Partial funding for SUPERB is provided by the National Science Foundation. AWARDS: SUPERB awardees will spend eight weeks on UC Berkeley's campus during the summer to work on a research project in their area of interest. Each participant will have a faculty and graduate student mentor who will supervise his or her work and provide guidance. Participants will receive a $3,500 stipend, free room and board in university housing, and up to $600 for reimbursement of travel expenses. For On-line Applications and program information: http://www.coe.berkeley.edu/cues/superb/ The deadline to submit completed applications is February 14, 2003 To request a paper application only. Send your name and complete mailing address to: Superfirstname.lastname@example.org (no program questions, please) For questions about the program or the application process contact: Erika Tate, SUPERB-IT Coordinator Etaemail@example.com ------------------------ PRESS RELEASE FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE WESTERN SHOSHONE DEFENSE PROJECT For more information please call 775-468-0230 January 17, 2003. Crescent Valley, NV. "Wild Horse Rescue" Unfolds into Story of Human Rights Violations Against Western Shoshone Indians. Horse Rescuers brought in by State and Federal authorities to "rescue wild/unclaimed horses" found instead a troubling story of government violations of Western Shoshone Indians' human rights. The so-called Nevada 980 rescue has been touted as the largest wild horse rescue ever attempted in history. What unsuspecting horse rescuers did not know is that these horses are not wild and are not unclaimed. The horses belong to Western Shoshone grandmothers Mary and Carrie Dann and the horse rescuers are being used as the latest pawn in the decades long land and treaty rights dispute between the Western Shoshone Nation and the United States. Horse rescuers from around the country, as far as Texas, South Carolina and Missouri have contacted the Western Shoshone Defense Project and the Indian Law Resource Center with questions and support. Several of these organizations have created a website devoted to the moral question of assisting the government in engaging in these ongoing abuses against the Western Shoshone and their animals. See http://www.home.earthlink.net/~dannhorses/index.html . As the horse rescue debate ensues, the Shoshone continue to gather their horses and prepare for temporary relocation to an undisclosed location. Shoshone cowboys have arrived from several communities and are working hard to help save the horses from federal confiscation. The horses will be part of the Western Shoshone International Goodwill Horse Program to promote economic development and youth empowerment activities. The Western Shoshone National Council is performing this relocation of the animals under protest. "We continue to assert our land and treaty rights. The 1863 Treaty of Ruby is in full force and effect and the United States is using threat of physical force and destruction of our livelihood in an effort to intimidate our people into submission." Stated Raymond Yowell of the Western Shoshone National Council. "We will not be intimidated and we will not relinquish our fight for our rights and the rights of the future generations. This emergency evacuation of the horses by the Western Shoshone Nation is a survival tactic to preserve these animals which our part of our culture as Shoshone people." The Western Shoshone National Council plans to return the horses to their homelands after successful resolution of the land dispute. ------------------------ Greetings, We trust that this finds everyone in happy and healthy spirits. Attached you will find a current flyer of the CSU Long Beach 33rd Annual Pow Wow. This is going to be another year of great dancing. Thank you for your continuing support to the American Indian community at CSULB. Best, CSULB Executive Pow Wow Committee http://www.csulb.edu/aux/alumni/chapters/americanindian/index.html http://daf.csulb.edu/maps/index.html California State University, Long Beach 33rd Annual Pow Wow March 8th & 9th, 2003 MC: Roy Track (assiniboine/sioux) AD: James Red Eagle (assiniboine/sioux) Head Southern Singer: Mitch Murdock (kickapoo) Host Northern Drum: Black Bull Jr. (montana) Invited Drum: tba Head Man Dancer: Walter Ahhaitty (kiowa/numunuh/cherokee) Head Lady Dancer: Natalie Weeks (assiniboine/sioux) Lead Gourd Dancer: John Bradley (cherokee/numunuh) Intertribal dancing, gourd dancing, contest dancing, and hand drum contest. All dancers and drums welcomed! Dancers regestration closes at 3pm, Saturday the 8th. Public is welcomed and we strongly recommend spectators to bring folding chairs. THIS EVENT IS FREE. Parking is readily available at no charge and the campus is handicapped accessible. CSU Long Beach, 1250 Bellflower Blvd., Long Beach, CA, ! 90840. www.csulb.edu For more information, please call (562) 985-4964 ans. machine. Or email, firstname.lastname@example.org ; American Indian Artist/Vendors, please be in compliance with the Indian Arts and Crafts Act of 1990 (P.L. 101-644). Not responsible for theft, loss, accident, or personal expenses. Absolutely no alcohol or drugs allowed. CSULB American Indian Alumni Chapter- http://www.csulb.edu/aux/alumni/chapters/americanindian/index.html CSULB Maps & Directions-http://daf.csulb.edu/maps/index.html ------------------------ This seems pretty expensive, but I said I would pass it along. Phil, I want to congratulate you on both your website and your book, very commendable. I have another reason for contacting you though and that is I am putting 3 of my most cherished domain names up for sale and I wanted to let all individuals who already have a great American Indian site to have first crack at them before the general public does so they may use them to drive additional traffic to their websites by pointing them to it also. I already have 2 sites up NativeAmericans.com and AmericanIndians.com and after many years of owning these I find it's not necessary to continue to keep them and I don't need any additional traffic due to the 20+ other highly publized sites send me all I can handle. Should you, or anyone else that you know be interested in any/all they are NativeAmericans.net, NativeAmericans.org and AmericanIndians.org. They may be purchased for $8500 each or if anyone wants all three then I will sell them as a package deal for $19,500. Thank you in advance for your time and courtesy in viewing this email. Sincerely, Jim Salmon email@example.com ========================= Here are some humorous items I have come across recently: OK, so this tourist sees a sign in front of a house on the Rosebud Rez: "Talking Dog for Sale." He knocks on the door and the Indian owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The tourist goes into the backyard and sees a mangy, reservation dog just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the BIA about my gift and they told the CIA. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the Department of Interior to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife and a mess of puppies. I came back to the reservation and now I'm just retired." The tourist is amazed. He goes back in and asks the Indian what he wants for the dog. The Indian says, "Ten dollars." The tourist says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The Indian replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff". ------------------- YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2003 WHEN: 1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have a e-mail address. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom if the screen. 6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 - or more - years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. 8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit to make a purchase, would be a hassle and take planning. 9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 19. You're reading this. 20. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else. ------------------ GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD: 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) When you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.T HE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. SUCCESS: At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 success is . . . having friends. At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 success is . . . having sex. At age 35 success is . . . having money. At age 50 success is . . . having money. At age 60 success is . . . having sex. At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 success is . . . having friends. At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. ------------------ You Know You're a Redneck When...2003 Edition! 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. 3. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive. 5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list. 11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. 13. You have used a rag for a gas cap. 14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. 15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 16. You can spit without opening your mouth. 17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. 23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. 24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement. 25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 26. You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?" 27. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. ---------------------- This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. Children wrote the following statements about the Bible. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in). 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears. 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. 5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. 7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments... 9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. 19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." 20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. 22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. ---------------------- Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon. " In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. ----------------------- Why aren't there any white M&Ms??? Because they would enslave the black M&Ms, steal all the red M&Ms' land, hunt the blue M&Ms to extinction, accuse the yellow M&Ms of obstructing trade, start a panic that the little green M&Ms were invading Earth, and complain that the brown M&Ms were taking all their jobs. --------------------- Actual Newspaper Headlines: 1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 11. War Dims Hope for Peace 12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 14. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 21. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 22. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 23. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors --------------------- Zen humor 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. No one is listening until you fart. 7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 17. Good judgment comes from experience, which comes from bad judgment. 18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. 21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 24. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...then things get worse. 26. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed. -------------------- Subject: A Guide to U.S. Newspapers 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country. 2. The New York Times is read by people who think that they run the country. 3. The Washington Post is read by people who think that they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L. A. to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores. ========================= More to come tomorrow....I wasn't kidding about the carpel tunnel problems.... Until then, have a good night, Phil firstname.lastname@example.org ============================================ End of the February 2003 Newsletter - Part 1 ============================================ . . . .
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