February 2003 Newsletter Part 1 from
"On This Date in North American Indian History"
by Phil Konstantin
Copyright © Phil Konstantin (1996-2007)

Looking for a good book on North American Indians?
Click on the line below:
Good Books


Start of the February 2003 Newsletter


I had planned to write this newsletter on Saturday the 1st. I slept in 
because I will be working the afternoon shift starting tomorrow. Upon 
awakening, I heard the story of the shuttle Columbia. I have cable TV, 
so I checked out the NASA channel, CNN, NBC & several other news 
sources. I watched for a while to find out what was known at that time. 
Then, I got on the internet. I found all kinds of information through 
some special contacts there. In case you are new to the newsletter, you 
may not know that I helped to run the computers that ran Mission Control 
in Houston. I worked at the Johnson Space Center from just after Apollo 
15 until the end of the Skylab missions. I worked downstairs from the 
large room with the banks of consoles and the wall of large monitors you 
often see on television and in movies. 

When the reports of the debris started coming in, I noticed it was 
landing in a part of Texas (Cherokee & Nacogdoches Counties) where I 
have relatives (Palestine, Alto & near Nacogdoches). My cousin Gloria 
heard the sonic boom. It rattled her windows pretty hard. Her husband 
saw the shuttle and thought it was a meteor. Based on the sound, my aunt 
Dorothy thought there had been a car crash just outside her house (she 
lives next to a 4 lane highway). My cousin Dean saw the shuttle and 
thought a commercial jet had exploded. Debris fell near his house.

I did not know any of the people on the Columbia. My sympathies go out 
to their families and co-workers. Many of the voices and faces I saw on 
TV were people I knew and respected. I knew Jim Oberg from my days at 
NASA. We were both officers in the Houston Chapter of a space 
enthusiasts group called the L-5 Society. Jim made an interesting 
comment when while he was on NBC. "No one does this job for the money." 
He is right. The astronauts, and the engineers, could all probably make 
more in non-NASA based jobs. Most of these people, myself included at 
the time, did what we did because of our passion for the space program.

If you are interested, you can see pictures I took on my trip to the 
Kennedy Space Center to see a shuttle liftoff in 2001, or read a couple 
of my space related articles on this web page: 

Every astronaut I have ever met has been very unassuming. You could 
easily walk past one in an airport, and never know who they were. While 
they may be heroes for putting their lives on the line, they seldom 
swagger. I see the same thing in my job in law enforcement. I am sure it 
is the same way in the military. All of us face a certain danger every 
day, but that is something you do not let rule your life. You consider 
the dangers, find ways to reduce its possibility, and then you get on 
with your job. All of which reminds me of a short story I posted on my 
pages about one of my trips to Mexico to see ancient Indian ruins:

"Here is a short story of something which happened on my trip. My 
parents, who live near Houston, met me at the airport. We had a nice 
visit while I was waiting for my connecting flight back to San Diego. 
While we were sitting there, a flight arrived and I noticed a familiar 
face get off the plane. It was Gene Cernan. Gene Cernan was the last 
person to stand on the moon. I helped run the computers in Mission 
Control at NASA in Houston during his flight (Apollo 17). I also met him 
once in San Diego during a special program at the Reuben Fleet Science 
Center. I pointed him out to my parents. As we watched him go by, we 
noticed that I had been the only person to recognize him. One of the 
twelve men who have walked on the moon had just walked through a crowded 
airport without being recognized, except by me. So much for history! "


Last month I passed along a rather ascerbic e-mail I received from 
someone I do not know. This was the note about how real reservation 
Indians thought I was a joke. It turns out that no one who responded was 
familiar with the person who sent it. I wanted to say thank you for the 
many nice replies I received from all of you who said I wasn't a joke. 
Granted, I do tell a few, from time to time.

I also noted there was a confusing "review" of my book on the 
Amazon.com. It talked about the book being a bunch of "hippy-drivel" and 
other similar phrases. It was obvious that the person had never read the 
book. It was there for about a week or two, and then it disappeared. I 
guess Amazon.com deleted it.

If any of you would like to post a review of my book, you can add it by 
clciking the "Write an online review and share your thoughts with other 
customers" line on this page on Amazon.com: 



I have enrolled in an American Indian Studies class at Palomar College. 
It is all conducted on the internet. The class covers Indian Country 
today. It looks interesting, so far. I'll let you know how it goes.


I am going to be making a couple of "appearances" in the next several 
months. I will be interviewed on radio station WPFW in Washington, D.C. 
(by phone) on either Sunday, February 16th or 23rd at 8pm eastern time.

In late May, I will be one of many speakers at "A Confluence of 
Cultures: Native Americans and the Expedition of Lewis and Clark." This 
will be at the University of Montana in Missoula. You can find out more 
at their website: http://www.umt.edu/cultures/ . I have always wanted to 
visit this area in order to see some of the sites I have written about.


Last week, it was 91 degrees in one of the San Diego suburbs. It was 
under 30 degrees in parts of Florida, at the same time. My how the 
weather does change. We have had a lot of military personnel leave the 
San Diego area in the last month. They are heading toward the Persian 
Gulf area. I wish everyone a safe and peaceful mission. Hopefully, the 
issues in the area can be resolved in a peaceful manner.

Considering all of the sobering issues we have had in the last few days, 
I have included a bit more humor in this month's newsletter than I 
normaly do. 

My carpel tunnel like problems have returned. So, I am going to cut this 
a bit short. Yea, I know, it is too late for that!


The "Link of the Month" for February 2003 is THE PLAINS CREE: A 
exceptionally detailed site looks at this Canadian First Nation. It 
covers a wide variety of subjects and material. It also has many 
illustrations. I highly recommend it. It can be found at: 


This month's movie is Smoke Signals. 

As listed on the Internet Movie Database site, here is the plot summary: 
"Young Indian man Thomas is a nerd in his reservation, wearing oversize 
glasses and telling everyone stories no-one wants to here. His parents 
died in a fire in 1976, and Thomas was saved by Arnold. Arnold soon left 
his family (and his tough son Victor), and Victor hasn't seen his father 
for 10 years. When Victor hears Arnold has died, Thomas offers him 
funding for the trip to get Arnold's remains, but only if Thomas will 
also go with him. Thomas and Victor hit the road." 

The movie is directed by Chris Eyre, and written by Sherman Alexie. 

Sherman Alexie is a well known writer in Indian Country. His official 
website is located at: http://www.fallsapart.com/ . The movie is based 
on the story "This is What It Means to Say Phoenix, Arizona," from his 
book: 'The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fist Fight in Heaven.' His website on 
the movie http://www.fallsapart.com/smoke.html summarizes the story as: 
"Set in Arizona, Smoke Signals is the story of two Indian boys on a 
journey. Victor (Adam Beach) is the stoic, handsome son of an alcoholic 
father who has abandoned his family. Thomas (Evan Adams) is a 
gregarious, goofy young man who lost both his parents in a fire at a 
very young age. Through storytelling, Thomas makes every effort to 
connect with the people around him; Victor, in contrast, uses his quiet 
countenance to gain strength and confidence. When Victor's estranged 
father dies, the two men embark on an adventure to Phoenix to collect 
the ashes. Along the way, Smoke Signals illustrates the ties that bind 
these two very different young men and embraces the lessons they learn 
from one another."

Chris Eyre also directed Things We Do (1998), Skins (2001) and 
Skinwalkers (2002). You can read more about him at: 

This movie often produces a dichotomy of feelings. Many people either 
hate it, or love it. I liked it, although I did find some faults. The 
story can be taken as an Coeur d'Alene Indian movie, a buddy movie, a 
coming of age movie, or a conflict of cultures movie. It might be some, 
or all, of those things. As a person who likes to make fun of my 
shortcomings, I really liked the comic side of the movie. One of the 
better lines in the movie is when Victor, played by Adam Beach, is 
trying to get Thomas, played by Evan Adams, to be more stoic and like a 
warrior. He wants him to act more "like an Indian." Victor tells Thomas 
that he must look like he has just killed a buffalo in order to get some 
respect. Thomas says that their tribe didn't hunt buffalo, they were 
fishermen. Victor then says that being "Dances With Salmon" isn't going 
to get it done.

There are a lot of Indian jokes and comments about reservation life. It 
also addresses the racist leanings of many of the European-American 
characters. There are several scenes that show the poverty level of 
'life on the rez.' Owning a vehicle, especially one that works, is a 
major status symbol. No one makes much of two young women driving their 
car in reverse all of time. This is because it only goes in reverse. One 
of the two women is Elaine Miles. You might remember her as Marilyn 
Whirlwind, the doctor's receptionist, on the TV program Northern 
Exposures. It was good to see her again. In fact, Cynthia Geary, who 
plays a gymnast the two men meet on a bus, was also on Northern 

Irene Bedard plays Suzy Song. Irene was the physical model for, and the 
voice of, Pocahontas in the Disney movie of the same name. Irene has 
been in many movies, and she does a good job in this one. Another 
familiar face is Tantoo Cardinal, who plays Victor's mother.

This movie is a rare case where American Indians wrote, directed, acted 
in and produced the project. While that is not necessarily a good reason 
to see a movie, I do recommend the movie. I see it as a slice of life 
drama with comedic moments. It is an interesting story, and it portrays 
a part of America that few people will ever experience first hand. 

There are many levels to this movie. The people who praise the movie 
usually do so because of these layers. Those who do not, usually find 
these different, and sometimes subtle and other times overt, levels as 
unimportant or uninteresting. 

Fry bread also plays a part in the movie. If you have seen any of my 
recent pictures, you can tell I like fry bread. 

Here are some links to and about the movie.

http://www.teachwithmovies.org/guides/smoke-signals.html Teacher's guide
http://www.hollywood.com/multimedia/detail/media/368316 theatrical 
http://www2.indiewire.com/people/int_Eyre_Chris_980626.html interview 
with Eyre
http://www.screenit.com/movies/1998/smoke_signals.html more points to 


Here are some posting I have received:

Joseph RedCloud (6th generation descendent of Red Cloud) sent me this 
quote he found:

"Friends, it has been our misfortune to welcome the white man. We have
been deceived. He brought with him some shining things that pleased
our eyes; he brought weapons more effective than our own: above all, he 
brought the spirit water that makes one forget, for a time, old age, 
weakness, and sorrow. But I wish to say to you that if you would
possess these things for yourselves, you must begin anew and put away
the wisdom of your fathers. You must lay up food, and forget the 
hungry. When your house is built, your storeroom filled, then look 
around for a neighbor whom you can take at a disadvantage, and seize all 
that he has! Give away only what you do not want; or rather, do not part 
with any of your possessions unless in exchange for another's."

"My countrymen, shall the glittering trinkets of this rich man, his
deceitful drink that overcomes the mind, shall these things tempt us to 
give up our homes, our hunting grounds, and the honorable teachings of 
our old men? Shall we permit ourselves to be driven to and fro -- to be 
herded like the cattle of the white man?"

- Chief Red Cloud, Oglala Lakota


Dear Phil,
While browsing the web searching for a good map depicting the Basin & 
Plateau Geography of North America, I happened upon your site. I am the 
founder of a game development studio seeking development funding for a 
new massive multiplayer online role playing game called “Frontier 1859 
Wild West MMORPG.”

This project is seeking consultants, especially needed are those with a 
perspective from Native American cultures, as we will be creating the 
tools by which players can play the role of several tribes in the area, 
and they will have both mythical, spiritual and physical attributes 
being able to be played out. Picture a game as popular as Sony’s 
“Everquest” but all about Frontier living.

At some point, when project funding happens, we will be able to pay some 
of the work-for-hire contributors for their services as consultants and 
what not. 

Currently, we have had several interviews, and interest has spread 
world-wide. Please visit our community online forum when you get chance 
and see if this is something that interests you.

Thank you for a moment of your time.

-Daniel B. McMillan Exec. Producer Cosmic Origins, LLC



American Indian Graduate Center (AIGC)




-DEADLINE: JUNE 2, 2003 for more information go to:


Massachusetts Center for Native American Awareness, Inc. (MCNAA) was 
gifted with 7+ acres of land in Ossipee, NH back in 1995. We have been 
unable to find a good use for the land because it is out of state [for 
us]. Also, it's zoned residential and our use would be for 
business/commercial. Although minimal, we pay the yearly real estate 
taxes and the road maintenance fees but find that we are putting money 
into something that we are not using nor see future use for. And this is 
not very good use of our funds no matter how small.

For over a year, we have been exploring the idea of putting the land on 
the open market and have now decided that this is our best option. The 
information is as follows:

LOCATION: Beech River Road, Ossipee, NH (in cul-de-sac)
SIZE: 7+ acres
RESTRICTIONS: Mobile homes must be permanent & skirted.
USE: Buildable House Lot

We hope one of you or someone you know will have a need for this land 
and that this offer will appeal to one of you.

If any of you are or if someone you know is seriously interested in this 
7+ acre buildable lot, please call 617-884-4227.

Thank you.
Kim and Burne



The American Chemical Society, the world's largest scientific society, 
is seeking applications from underrepresented minority
students for its scholars program. The application deadline is February 
15, 2003.

The ACS Scholars Program provides financial support to academically 
accomplished African American, Hispanic and Native American students in 
their pursuit of undergraduate studies in chemistry, chemical 
engineering, biochemistry, environmental science and related disciplines 
in two- and four- year college and university programs.

Up to 100 scholarships will be awarded to minority students seeking a 
career in chemistry. Freshmen can receive up to $2,500 per academic 
year. Sophomores, juniors and seniors are eligible for up to $3,000 per 
academic year.

According to the Society's ChemCensus Report, relatively few minorities 
major in science-related disciplines at the college level.
In 2000, for example, those of Hispanic heritage - 12.5 percent of the 
U.S. population - represented 2.6 percent of the chemistry work force; 
African Americans - almost 12 percent of the population - made up less 
than two percent of the chemical work force; and Native Americans - one 
percent of the population - made up less than one percent of the 
chemical work force.

For more details on the ACS Scholars Program, including an online 
application form, please visit www.acs.org/scholars or telephone
1-800-227-5558, extension 6250.


University of California at Berkeley, College of Engineering Summer 
Undergraduate Program in Engineering Research at Berkeley 
(SUPERB) 2003 Program dates are June 16th - August 8th (8 weeks)

Application deadline February 14, 2003

The goal of the Summer Undergraduate Program in Engineering Research at 
Berkeley (SUPERB) is to provide research opportunities in engineering 
to students who have been historically underrepresented in the field for 
reasons of social, cultural, educational or economic barriers. The 
program provides students with the opportunity to gain research 
experience by participating in research projects with engineering 
faculty and graduate students.

SUPERB features regular workshops and seminars on the nature of academic 
life, standardized test preparation, writing and research skills and 
graduate school applications. Informal meetings and social events with 
faculty and graduate students are also offered.

Upon completion of this program students will be better prepared and 
motivated to attend graduate school.

SUPERB participants are required to attend orientation and complete the 
entire eight-week program. Each participant is required to give an oral 
presentation and submit a written report describing the results of 
his/her research.

SUPERB targets students who have been historically underrepresented in 
the field of engineering such as African-Americans, Latino/Chicanos, 
Native Americans and women. SUPERB is offered to students who by virtue 
of their life experiences, cultural background and/or educational 
expectations have experienced barriers to pursuing careers in 
engineering. Participants must be U.S. citizens or permanent residents. 
The program prefers junior and senior level students who have completed 
some upper division coursework in one of the following disciplines:
1. Bioengineering (BioE), 2.Civil and Environmental Engineering (CEE), 
3. Electrical Engineering & Computer Sciences (EECS) and 4. Mechanical 
Engineering (ME)

Partial funding for SUPERB is provided by the National Science 

SUPERB awardees will spend eight weeks on UC Berkeley's campus during 
the summer to work on a research project in their area of interest. 
Each participant will have a faculty and graduate student mentor who 
will supervise his or her work and provide guidance. Participants will 
receive a $3,500 stipend, free room and board in university housing, and 
up to $600 for reimbursement of travel expenses.

For On-line Applications and program information:
The deadline to submit completed applications is February 14, 2003

To request a paper application only. Send your name and complete mailing 
address to:      Super-@uclink.berkeley.edu (no program questions, 

For questions about the program or the application process contact: 
Erika Tate, SUPERB-IT Coordinator      Eta-@eecs.berkeley.edu



For more information please call 775-468-0230

January 17, 2003. Crescent Valley, NV. "Wild Horse Rescue" Unfolds 
into Story of Human Rights Violations Against Western Shoshone Indians.

Horse Rescuers brought in by State and Federal authorities to "rescue 
wild/unclaimed horses" found instead a troubling story of government 
violations of Western Shoshone Indians' human rights.

The so-called Nevada 980 rescue has been touted as the largest wild 
horse rescue ever attempted in history. What unsuspecting horse 
rescuers did not know is that these horses are not wild and are not 
unclaimed. The horses belong to Western Shoshone grandmothers Mary and 
Carrie Dann and the horse rescuers are being used as the latest pawn in 
the decades long land and treaty rights dispute between the Western 
Shoshone Nation and the United States. Horse rescuers from around the 
country, as far as Texas, South Carolina and Missouri have contacted the 
Western Shoshone Defense Project and the Indian Law Resource Center with 
questions and support. Several of these organizations have created a 
website devoted to the moral question of assisting the government in 
engaging in these ongoing abuses against the Western Shoshone and their 
animals. See http://www.home.earthlink.net/~dannhorses/index.html .

As the horse rescue debate ensues, the Shoshone continue to gather their 
horses and prepare for temporary relocation to an undisclosed location. 
Shoshone cowboys have arrived from several communities and are working 
hard to help save the horses from federal confiscation. The horses will 
be part of the Western Shoshone International Goodwill Horse Program to 
promote economic development and youth empowerment activities. The 
Western Shoshone National Council is performing this relocation of the 
animals under protest. "We continue to assert our land and treaty 
rights. The 1863 Treaty of Ruby is in full force and effect and the 
United States is using threat of physical force and destruction of our 
livelihood in an effort to intimidate our people into submission." 
Stated Raymond Yowell of the Western Shoshone National Council. "We 
will not be intimidated and we will not relinquish our fight for our 
rights and the rights of the future generations. This emergency 
evacuation of the horses by the Western Shoshone Nation is a survival 
tactic to preserve these animals which our part of our culture as 
Shoshone people." The Western Shoshone National Council plans to return 
the horses to their homelands after successful resolution of the land 


We trust that this finds everyone in happy and healthy spirits. Attached 
you will find a current flyer of the CSU Long Beach 33rd Annual Pow Wow. 
This is going to be another year of great dancing. Thank you for your 
continuing support to the American Indian community at CSULB.

CSULB Executive Pow Wow Committee

California State University, Long Beach
33rd Annual Pow Wow
March 8th & 9th, 2003

MC: Roy Track (assiniboine/sioux)
AD: James Red Eagle (assiniboine/sioux)
Head Southern Singer: Mitch Murdock (kickapoo)
Host Northern Drum: Black Bull Jr. (montana)
Invited Drum: tba
Head Man Dancer: Walter Ahhaitty (kiowa/numunuh/cherokee)
Head Lady Dancer: Natalie Weeks (assiniboine/sioux)
Lead Gourd Dancer: John Bradley (cherokee/numunuh)

Intertribal dancing, gourd dancing, contest dancing, and hand drum 
contest. All dancers and drums welcomed! Dancers regestration closes at 
3pm, Saturday the 8th. Public is welcomed and we strongly recommend 
spectators to bring folding chairs. THIS EVENT IS FREE. Parking is 
readily available at no charge and the campus is handicapped accessible. 
CSU Long Beach, 1250 Bellflower Blvd., Long Beach, CA, ! 90840. 

For more information, please call (562) 985-4964 ans. machine. Or email, 
csulb_-@hotmail.com ;  American Indian Artist/Vendors, please be in 
compliance with the Indian Arts and Crafts Act of 1990 (P.L. 101-644). 
Not responsible for theft, loss, accident, or personal expenses. 
Absolutely no alcohol or drugs allowed.

CSULB American Indian Alumni Chapter- 

CSULB Maps & Directions-http://daf.csulb.edu/maps/index.html


This seems pretty expensive, but I said I would pass it along.

Phil, I want to congratulate you on both your website and your book, 
very commendable. I have another reason for contacting you though and 
that is I am putting 3 of my most cherished domain names up for sale and 
I wanted to let all individuals who already have a great American Indian 
site to have first crack at them before the general public does so they 
may use them to drive additional traffic to their websites by pointing 
them to it also. I already have 2 sites up NativeAmericans.com and 
AmericanIndians.com and after many years of owning these I find it's not 
necessary to continue to keep them and I don't need any additional 
traffic due to the 20+ other highly publized sites send me all I can 
handle. Should you, or anyone else that you know be interested in 
any/all they are NativeAmericans.net, NativeAmericans.org and 
AmericanIndians.org. They may be purchased for $8500 each or if anyone 
wants all three then I will sell them as a package deal for $19,500. 
Thank you in advance for your time and courtesy in viewing this email. 
Sincerely, Jim Salmon ji-@americans.net


Here are some humorous items I have come across recently:

OK, so this tourist sees a sign in front of a house on the Rosebud 
Rez: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He knocks on the door and the Indian owner tells him the dog is in the 
backyard. The tourist goes into the backyard and sees a mangy, 
reservation dog just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered 
my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so 
I told the BIA about my gift and they told the CIA. In no time they had 
me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and 
world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I 
was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any 
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the 
Department of Interior to do some undercover security work, mostly 
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some 
incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife 
and a mess of puppies. I came back to the reservation and now I'm just 

The tourist is amazed. He goes back in and asks the Indian what he 
wants for the dog.

The Indian says, "Ten dollars."

The tourist says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling 
him, so cheap?"

The Indian replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that 


1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do 
not have a e-mail address. 
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so 
she can create a screen saver. 
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if 
anyone is home. 
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom 
if the screen. 
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells 
for half the price you paid. 
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the 
first 20 or 30 - or more - years of your life, is now a cause for panic 
and you turn around to go get it. 
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit to make a purchase, 
would be a hassle and take planning. 
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 
15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if 
you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 
16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on 
your way back to bed. 
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 
19. You're reading this. 
20. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else. 


1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the 
second person. 
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. 

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 
2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down 
4) When you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once 
got from a roller coaster. 
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to 
ask you the questions. 
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.T 

1) You believe in Santa Claus. 
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 
3) You are Santa Claus. 
4) You look like Santa Claus. 
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. 
At age 12 success is . . . having friends. 
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license. 
At age 20 success is . . . having sex. 
At age 35 success is . . . having money. 
At age 50 success is . . . having money. 
At age 60 success is . . . having sex. 
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license. 
At age 75 success is . . . having friends. 
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. 


You Know You're a Redneck When...2003 Edition!

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want 
8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.
11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
16. You can spit without opening your mouth.
17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father 
made it.
18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip 
on the side.
19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings 
you home.
24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of 
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"
27. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.


This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions 
about the Old and New Testaments. Children wrote the following 
statements about the Bible. They have not been retouched or corrected 
(i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating 
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called 
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble 
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel 
like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened 
bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses 
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments...
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the 
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to 
stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with 
the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna 
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found 
Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others 
before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by 
sweat alone."
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get 
the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which 
is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto 
industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the 
computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 
1,000 miles to 
the gallon.

" In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release 
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be 
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to 
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You 
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the 
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you 
could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause 
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would 
have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was 
reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run 
on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all 
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" 
warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out 
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door 
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn 
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate 
in the same manner as the old car. 
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


Why aren't there any white M&Ms??? 

Because they would enslave the black M&Ms, steal all the red M&Ms' land, 
hunt the blue M&Ms to extinction, accuse the yellow M&Ms of obstructing 
trade, start a panic that the little green M&Ms were invading Earth, and 
complain that the brown M&Ms were taking all their jobs. 


Actual Newspaper Headlines:
1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. War Dims Hope for Peace
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
14. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
21. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
22. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
23. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


Zen humor

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, 
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.
Just leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a 
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your 
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be 
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of 
car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have 
their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, 
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was 
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from experience, which comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put 
it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and 
it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are 
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass 
...then things get worse.
26. The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.


Subject: A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think that they run the 
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think that they should run 
the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country 
but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like 
the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the 
country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave 
L. A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the 
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's 
running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a 
seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the 
country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, 
preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there 
is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they 
oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the 
leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also 
happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they 
are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, 
but need the baseball scores. 


More to come tomorrow....I wasn't kidding about the carpel tunnel 

Until then, have a good night,



End of the February 2003 Newsletter - Part 1




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